I come to the blogspot once again hoping to find some sanity. Once again if you read this you are probably my more attentive viewers and I do appreciate you. If you never see this then you are probably someone who just comes whenever there is some cliche sex topic that you just cant seem to not talk about for the hundredth time. But, it is my fault because I do not advertise this stuff...im tryin to go public so I can get the private as the Fiasco would say...But, enough of the ranting...
Blog I come to you talk about the Nice Guys who finish last. Why I will still always be that guy who really wants to be a little bit taller when that song comes on. The guy that thinks that he is the only guy that gets self conscious or am I the only guy who blogs about it. I am that homeboy of all homeboys, the best friend to confide in with all my problems, the all around man of the year...but, not their man of the year...ya know...Searching for that right one (well really, not really) gets difficult when they are either in great relationships, bad relationships, and just dont want no relationship. Where am I going with this...I do not know exactly and I am still trying to gather the right words for my feelings at the current moment.
All my life I been that Jokester, that clown, the kid with all the funny comments ya know. This was the angle I had to take because I did not have those physical attributes that gets everyone going head over heels on first appearance. I have always feel like I have had to coon my way into a relationship (rapping, dancing, being super crunk...which are natural attributes or talents but still) and no one really just picks up on the ME, ya know...
and you can save the whole story about "looks dont matter" and the whole "you will find what is truly meant to fit your puzzle and your lifestyle just wait!!!" NO EFF ALL DAT SHIT!! I get friggin tired of the wait, that constant wonder of who will be in my life...that constant feeling of emptiness even when it seems like you have it all. Looks does friggin matter...you have to be physically attracted to someone to move any relationship further. Even if you have to force yourself to think that this person is attractive or even its something in particular (money, cars, clothes) that makes him more appealing to you. I get tired of all these women who cry about wanting the sweet caring and loving guy when there dating the inconsiderate, non-caring ass bastard. She goes in hoping to change him and enjoys the challenge and she sticks around until she cant take anymore and then leaves that relationship sour making it harder for the next man to get his foot in the entrance. Its so funny how when I put time and effort into something I never really get it and then when I do not care and come at em sideways everything works out so perfectly. When I could give a rats ass I can never shake em. But, when I wanna bring the world to there fingertips they have doubt, fear, and are not sure or are not ready. I understand, and dont expect you too...but damn!!! You just told me you wanted all that and now you switch up the beat on me and start rapping to a different instrumental.
I dont know what I want sometimes and other times I am a hundred percent certain. But, I think females are always at a roller coaster kind of vibe with there feelings and can never pin point when they wanna do a few loops or just take nose dives down 100 foot peaks. The nemo is stuff is great...but, I now trap myself in a bubble. The bubble of the preview staffer, mentor, and all that other official stuff and can not get looked at from the outside of that bubble. I do not regret anything I have done for my campus and the 1000's of students I have met or friends I have made through these programs but still ya know...and I am sorry for writing so much, but, this is the only person (blog) that listens. Mom, you never said it was going to be this hard to find a girl. You made it seem like since I had all these great qualities that It would be like bees to honey or moths being drawn in by a light. You can not play Mr. Nice Guy with the girls of today, they will think your a punk and clear it on you. They will try to take advantage if the coast is clear and leave you when they do not need you anymore. And no, I am not in a relationship at the current moment and I am not talking to or have been talking to anyone (just so no confusing minds think that I am currently going through something.) but I am just speaking from all the things I have seen happen around me and to me over the years.
So here I am once again: The Man, the freestyler, the favorite staffer, mentors, staffer and still you would think I had it all. Everything that glitters is not gold my friends. We easily forget that by just the look of an individual. The Nice Guy that is taking it slow and steady and is still finishing last in the race. Still losing to all of his taller, lighter, hair braided, fresh kickgame counterparts. Yea, yea, the people who want them are all after the wrong things!! That is not always true...they just like flashy, wish I could be flashy and shit!! Wish I could just come in the room and there is a whisper of who is that and women throwing themselves at me. I want to be able to not coon my way into someones heart for a change. And yes, you have to work on what you want in life I know. But, I know you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth and how I am using them. Yea, I understand there is more to this and there is more to that...but dammit...I aint tryin to hear that booty chatter. and yea, I am not trying to fall in love at this current second and time, but, when it does not seem to be expected for the near future it seems to just be like well, how long will this wait be. and I know I will get through it and as I said I am not looking back on the things I have done and the people I have touched and the laughs and entertainment I have brought to people and there lives...but a brother just gotta vent...and maybe listening to Aaliyah I care 4 you kind of pushes my mood into this somewhat sad state...but, so what!! (and this song actually has its very own story of its own. If I can remember it with all the details I will tell about it one day!).
I dont know man...I am still confused and torn, lost, and somewhat misguided. Life is winding down, the real world is coming like a thief in the night and the opportunities for love grow as slim as the crack underneath the door and the floor. and obviously (as soul flower says) I can not change the attributes that I have adopted since and early age but still, sometimes I wish I could have more of a big brothers ideals to just hit and quit as oppose to a mothers perspective who taught me to love and value a woman. To take care of her and make sure that she takes care of me as well. Damn, my mother once more. If I had that father figure to show me the ropes, maybe I would not be hear spilling out my heart to my blogspot with confused thoughts and still confused about what to do about the women in life. I hate em and love em ya know. Cant live with em and cant live without em. The sighs of a million sighs sounds throughout these 4 corners as I think of the women I pursued who have just been let downs or busts or just not the ones for me. I do not need anyone who makes my Jenga tower of life just topple over as oppose to helping me continue building myself up to be a remnant of the tower of babel. But, I digress...dont know what to say or do much anymore...ok I am not entirely done...continuing...
This is to the ones I pursue but they give me lame excuses as to why we could never be, to the girl who stopped talking to me after I lost my virginity to her, to the little white girl who I started crushing on but moved away, to the girl who flipped the script on me and only wanted that one night stand, to the independent woman who cant realize when she is missing out on a good thing, to the confused female who still lets her dude treat her like shit even though she had a King who was willing to treat her like a Queen, to the women with children that I have pursued that I felt I could fall in love with because maybe the Lord did not necessarily want me to fall in love with a woman the way I had planned, to the women that I have confused, or led a stray because I did not want to be heart breaker and tried to work things out regardless, to the those who overlook me and never take me serious because I can be a jokester, to the woman who is confused and wants to find herself before she gets into a relationship, to the chick that would not give me the time of day cause I was not sitting on big body rims and had a nextel, to the woman who works all day and night and have done her best to put me out of her mind, but still feels guilty, but not that guilty about the actions they have made. I have learned alot...everything happens for a reason. But, I can not wait for it all to just stop happening to me!
Fishman signing out!
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So for one, I can't believe I am up this late or early as some would say, but I'm actually a little happy that I could be the first to comment. So I read everything that you posted and it actually made me feel really bad to be a woman, because like you said we are like roller coasters, because we can't make up our mind... Funny thing is my ex said the same thing to me the other day... And it's true because we overlook the good guys for the not-so-good guys who drive fancy cars and have nice kicks,and then when we try to go back to you good guys, its too late...
ReplyDeleteI've known you for a minute but we recently became close. I had a little crush on you after you sent me a message on facebook (warning me about Greeks) I thought it was the sweetest thing, but then I was in a relationship so it didn't make sense to let you know how I felt. Ironically, I didn't end up really seeing you until you became an Alpha, so then I wonder were you going to turn into the person you warned me about...lol Any who, after a while, I noticed that you were a little riot on campus and that you went by many names... When I heard about this Nemo character I was like who is that and why can't people just call you Alex, but I vowed that I would still call you Alex and I still do(Even though I caught myself saying Nemo one day.lol)
Long story short, I always thought what was going on in your mind with all these names that you have developed for yourself and I always wanted to know how it affected you and I guess I finally got my answer. I want you to know though that I always cared about Alex and I always will. I pray that someday you make some woman a loving husband, because I know you will. You definitely deserve the best. Don't be mad that you aren't the bad boy, be happy cause honestly they aren't happy, I'm sure they can tell you that they are tired of being used by women(They won't admit it though). Just be grateful (which I'm sure you are) that you had a loving mother who showed you how to be a good man...
P.S. I believe all your dreams will come true and you will have all the whips and kicks you can dream of and hopefully you will have a woman by your side, so you can show all the women that have passed by you that you don't need them...
Much Love hun...
WOW! I swear I cried while I was reading this. It's crazy that I'm only the second comment. I agree completely with what you just wrote. I have friends who will only date "dudes with cash" who end up treating them like crap and aren't worth all the "cashflow" in their pockets. I feel like women overlook the super sweet people because they don't believe that they deserve to be treated nicely or because they don't look like the prince charming they imagined. Personally, I was like that for years because I didn't think I was pretty enough or smart enough to be treated like a queen. However, this queen found herself king! He may not be cute according to my friends, but what we have is above beauty. He's a great person, a god-loving man with an amazing smile and beautiful personality. You will find that one day too! Don't lose hope love..she is out there!
ReplyDeleteStumbled on this and I gotta say we go through some of the same things...but lemme first flip this and tell you my story from the perspective of "the asshole"
ReplyDeleteThis starts when I was younger. Chubby kid who got no play while everyone else was for the most of middle school. Getting into highschool, once I started getting compliments of how "handsome I was growing" my head got gassed up and I started to become the asshole who saw women was nothing but people to help me get off. Didn't help that I played high school football and became one of the stereotypical "gassed up cocky football player who thinks he looks better than he does." Where am I going with this? I ended up meeting a girl and breaking "asshole guy" rule #1 - Don't cop feelings.
I copped feelings for this girl...flat out fell in love...but wouldn't be tied down. So I kept shoneing on the side and eventually she got fed up and tired of waiting. I lost the one love of my short life because I couldn't give up just messing around and doing my thing.
Eventually learning from that, I gave up the asshole persona and did/am doing the nice guy thing. That said, I've had the same thoughts you described, been just the homeboy, the shoulder to cry on, the goofy ass dude that no one could really take serious. There's been times when I envied the lighter, taller (yea, even me), more fit, richer, etc. guys...but I'ma share a couple words of wisdom with ya
Like you said, all that glitters isn't gold. Never envy what someone is, what they have, or how many "hoes" they smashin. You never know what else is going on with them and most of the time those same people got too much more drama in their daily life than the doctor recommended.
Also, I know how much we, as human beings, live in the here and now, but I implore you to not worry so much about it. If you ain't gettin the rewards now, you'll eventually reap what you've sewn later on in life. Call it Karma...but that's how it works...always.
So, yea...just a young dude lookin out for ya. You're a bigger man than you give yourself credit for, being able to put your insecurities out confidently. Physical stature does not denote everything...and best believe I don't have your kind of fortitude so I'm goin in on this post Incognegro..deuces fam!
wow. you had me trying to read ahead so that i could grasp everything without even internalizing what i read before. (yea it was that good/intriguing). this was majorly insightful... you rarely get to peek into someone's innermost thoughts like this, and it takes a brave person to do this, so kudos to you.
ReplyDeletei can definitely sympathize with you. for the longest time i'd wonder if there was something wrong with me, why no one wanted to be with me. I didn't think I was that amazing/great, but i thought that i was good enough that someone should be able to have a decent relationship with me.
you're right about girls. we're a difficult bunch to figure out... but for the most part we're having this internal struggle with oursleves, especially when it comes to dudes/relationships. I can really only speak for myself, but most of the time, I struggle with these things as well. You want to love unconditionally, unforgivingly, but then you sometimes look at yourself and second guess that, especially if you've been burnt before. And unfortunately, we always have to be on the lookout for the guys that will screw us over (literally), and aren't out there to treat us like the good girls we are. but for you guys, there are definitely girls out there that don't know how to treat a guy, and just look out for themselves...either because they've been hurt before and are tired of the pain, or they have just never been schooled on how to treat a guy with trust, respect, and love. Honestly though Alex, there are a number of reasons why girls act the way they do, and yes, sometimes it's because of a guy or two that came along and messed it up for the rest of the good guys.
At this point there isn't much that I think I can say, that others haven't said already, or that you've already thought of. Simply put I live my life by this mantra: live.love.dance. Those are the things that keep me going really, and at times I have to remember those to get me through things.
Sometimes people (and this includes myself), just need to understand that great opportunities rarely present themselves twice in one lifetime. If you want something, go get. If you want that girl, go get her, especially by showing her the guy you want to be with her, not the jokester, or whatever. But she has the right to say no. That's fine if she does, but she missed out on a great guy. You just have to not let that phase you, and understand that when you're not looking, is when love will find you.
There's alot more I could say, but I think you get the basic gist.
-Melaney
http://hellomissjean.blogspot.com/2009/06/introduction-to-mr-wack.html
ReplyDeleteAlright so I finally read the blog... I kinda feel bad cuz I knew when you were writing it but it was taking u so to long to finish! Looking at the length, now I see why!
ReplyDeleteEnough said...
1. Thank you for adding me as a reference :)
2. I just wanted to say that I have a newfound respect for you because you sure do have a lot more guts than half the so-called "tough" guyz out here because u blogged about what was on your mind. Like you said, everything does happen for a reason and though u r tired of waiting I truly do believe that ur waiting won't be in vain! I'm not saying everything's gonna be all great and wonderful cuz that's just not reality and u have many years of ur own personal experience to prove that.
Some of my point is that it's just not ur fault... this society has some mad issues and the type of influences young male and females have on them 2day kinda messes up the whole "love" thing and has turned it upside down, makin it real hard for the real lovers out here!
the other part of my point is... ur not the only one with these types of thoughts or feelings. i'm pretty sure there are plenty of people out here who can relate. u know? time will tell... she's at the end of that finish line u just haven't reached that end yet! every once in a while u gotta stop for a drink of water, push some other runner out ur way and just keep running!
God bless :)
wow this is a side of u...that u hide...u may have stumbled past the girl for u...bc u were too busy tryn to make ur own dream come true...ur other will def fall in ur lap soon
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good man and you will surely be a prize to someone's daughter one day. Keep doing what you're doing. Stop thinking about it so much, it'll come when you least expect it.
ReplyDelete