Aug 29, 2013

Captains Log: Stuck in a Jam

I humbly come to my old blog/diary with a few thoughts on my heart. Another day, another woman that just isn't for me. I get to the point where I ask myself, "What am I doing wrong?" 

It does hurt. Yeah, more fishes in the sea. The foolish proverbial quote that gets thrown out over and over. Well, there is a reason why Fisherman stick to a certain kind of fish and they know which ones should be caught and which ones shouldn't be. I guess that could sum up this post and I keep it moving eh?

Nope. This is my venting moment. Year after year it is the same struggle. Beautiful, amazing, faith driven woman taken right from under my nose. They were never mine to begin with, but I would have liked to think I had a shot. 

I would have liked to think I had some chance in this universe to get the woman that I want. Not settle because someone likes me or is giving me attention. The irony of this title. The irony of life. I woke up happy this morning. Motivating the world. Spreading positive messages. Went to catch up on a friends page and then wam. In a relationship. My heart dropped out of my chest. I picked it up and it laughed at me. 

Yet, this is only one instance out of the many. Besides having other women in my life that would rather chase douche bags and others who just can't let go of their past (Which I guess is better for me...but still) it all just sucks. I pray for my wife. I pray for her health and strength. I pray for her ability to stay strong in tough times, and I pray that she is smiling. I pray these things from an honest and genuine place. I cannot stop praying. Sometimes I want to stop. Yes, stop praying. When you get turned down so many times it is almost as if I am just being laughed at by the heavens and the rest of the universe. Yeah, I am sure I could meet Mrs Nemo after this post, but whatever. 

I always say I should just focus on getting my money up and keep it moving. Find a woman when I am successful and at least 45 years of age. The point where I will most likely be out of debt and just in a better place in life. 

It is tough. I am sure women go through it as well, and other brothers like myself, but yeah. My heart! Just all over the floor is where it is. Now you ask yourself do you stay being that person's friend knowing you like them more than that? Do you keep yourself conveniently in the picture just in case that current brother slips up. Funny, I don't really trust these dudes out here, and I watch them break the hearts of all the women I ever try to pursue which then makes it tough for me to ever have an opportunity again. 

It is what it is. I would say I am done and then tomorrow morning I would be right back in love again. It all sucks. Well, another one bites the dust. I hope she is happy. The person this was originally about. I pray this brother doesn't break her heart. I pray he honors her and takes care of her emotionally and spiritually like I would have. And if it is her last I pray he works every single day to make sure she never stops loving him. Which I am sure won't be hard because her heart is so big.

I guess I keep fighting the good, tiring fight. No one said it would be easy, but this is harder than I would have ever imagined. I digress. Later old blog/journal (not diary...diaries are for wimps). Thanks for always being there for me. I will try to come back more often. Or the next time my heart is broken haha. Excuse the typos. Please and thanks.  

Sep 14, 2012

Captains Log: I Wait For My Maka?

I just finished watching this show and I guess it would work for the focal point of this piece. For those who watch the show every episode has a title and starts it off in question format as well (hence the title today).
Well basically the young lady kissing the Dapper (if that is the correct word) young gentlemen is named Maka. Maka is a meister and a student at...actually you probably don't care. lol. Well the guy she is kissing his name is Soul. In short they are binder together. To serve, to honor, to protect one another. They would easily put their life on the line for each other and pretty much do that in every episode to some extent.
I guess you could say I'm always in this state of "Wheres My Maka." And the millions of people tell you "don't look for it" and "be patient" cliche phrases like "it will come just wait" and yeah I get it I appreciate it but I have been single for a while. Hitting 5 golden years and Im sure other people have longer sentences lol! But still, I work on myself day in and day out. Why? because just like Soul he wants to get stronger or in this case better. He wants to become the best for Maka essentially.
Yeah, I have a bunch of female friends and they are pretty dope. Every now and then something sparks up and then falls whether it be due to casual sex that became to casual without any relationship talk or that dreadful friend zone region and/or you just never learn about that friend enough to know they could be a great candidate. Whatever the case may be I still end up singing every now and then "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller..." Sadly enough, I was so depressed one night I actually went to sleep with that song playing. I know I know, I think its my cancer crab swag (AYEEEEE) cancer crab swag (inserts dougie) (Ayeeeee). If you didnt get that my sign is usually an emotional cannonball of happiness and sadness...okay...
So yeah, I don't know yo. The ish is annoying. I chase all the women who don't want me and ignore those who really do. I mean, I don't have to settle do I? I can be patient until I feel THIS woman right here!??! This woman right here...Yeah thats dat DEATH!!
I don't know. I feel somewhat lame even writing this. But the blog is all I have. I don't showcase it to the world anymore so its a great diary spot. Excuse me, a journal! Grown men don't have diaries. MAN LAW. I just want my MAKA bruh. I just want a woman that I can hold and honor and protect. I get tired and weary. I need someone to rub my back and tell me its okay. I don't have my mother in my life as that number one woman and maybe (even though its been a little over a decade) just maybe that adds to the subtle madness. Adds to the fear of the putrid question "What if I am really meant to be alone forever?" I think it says somewhere in the bible or I heard from a cousin or something no one is meant to be alone. But relationships (like bf/gf) aren't necessarily gonna be the fulfillment. It could mean you have a great friend by your side forever and ever not necessarily a companion or MY RIB! A brother just want his RIB back doe! I want my BABY BACK RIIIIBBSSSS! (BBQ Sauce).
As I write more paragraphs I will say it eases my mind from the frustration a tad bit. Outside of the being a graduate with a million degrees and still not being able to find a job which makes me not want to even look for a job but I have to because I owe others money or more so have them as co-signers sooooo I cant dare put them in that bind. So on top of being lonely, having no job, I also have to motivate (and yes its all by choice) others to be dreamers and not give up and its tough cause who's rooting me on? who's praying for me ya know? I mean, I definitely wish well over friends and family and such. But yeah...I know they are out there...but I could use just as much motivation as the next...I sit for hours just reading and watching motivational clips to get my spirits up and I probably should read the bible more (just like I should work out more and eat better) but you know how that story plays.
But hey maybe thats why I havent found my Maka. She's hidden somewhere between Genesis and Revelations, wrapped in the Blood of the Lamb and though me and her eyes have not met maybe if I opened up the word then maybe her face would appear more clearly to me. Either way, I need to get back on praying for this woman who will one day (in good hopes) be my wife. Praying that she is safe. Praying that she is happy. Praying that we meet. I will continue working on myself in order to be great for her when I meet her. One day I wont be told "You would be a great husband" by some woman I madly adore and actually be a great woman to that woman who has fallen for, me. Yeah...Its all good...
Well blog, thanks for being my good friend and listening to me as usual. You understand. If I talk to humans they will just throw cliches and try to solve whats going with my thoughts. Its never what I need. Ever.
Soul signing out.

May 22, 2012

Captains Log: How I am feeling at the moment

Its been a while since I have seen you blog. Well, Captains log number whatever this is. I could care less about typos or correct punctuation or grammar so if this ever happens to reach the public eye if you care about that stuff I suggest you stop reading, NOW! Its just been a crazy month and I just cant stop dreaming, cant stop thinking. The smell of smoke fills the air and I hate when people freaking smoke. Might be the most nastiest shit ever! And I rarely curse so just know Im in one of those moods.

Well, yeah. I owe my new University money and its all good I love it hear so this isn't a bash session by any means. Im just tired and frustrated and I just have all these big goals and dreams and the world on my back and I put them there. Once again I have tried to be the super hero and as every super hero in ever super hero movie they get to the point where they are like I cant take this any more rips off the mask throws the shit in the garbage and goes back to their normal life with their normal problems.

But, as usual some old lady gets approached by a burglar and your options are to let her get her purse stolen and murdered by this low life of a person or step in and conveniently reach into my pocket and OH LOOK, my mask! But im nervous, I got tests coming up and haven't been doing that well on the mini practicals. And of course im worried about the freaking female race and why the FLYING RATS A-hole am I single and how freaking tired of this life I am. TIRED. Thats T-I-R as in Robert or Rice E as in E and a D as in Dese nuts! I know I know, just blowing off the steem (I know its spelled steam but two e's just seems so much more appropriate right now).

And I know I know wahh wahh shut that shhh up stop crying, it could be worse, other people go through more...but theres still alot. Im also a FOOLIE which is supposed to mean im so freaking ambitious that Im supposed to change the world and stuff but that also gets stressful cause then I get messages and texts and phone calls about how proud people are and I gotta keep fighting the good fight. but yeah, (no capitalization GRRRR) I JUST have a lot going on and hopefully I get a cosigner on my loan or something so that I can continue school and not get kicked out and all of that good stuff.

I do this for my mom though, I do this because she fought till her very last breath so why not fight till my very last breath as well. Geez man, stuff is tough. And I pray and stuff and keep good faith and its only a test in my toughest moments to see how much a believe I am but geesh man I feel like Im getting broken down every month and a half lol! I wish my life was perfect sometimes and then I think if it was then I wouldn't have walked the paths I have seen in my life. I just hope it all works out. It always does. I just hope that "always" does happens one mo' gen. I thank my friend homie CP for holding me down and all the other people who continues to do so. Im just in one of those moods and I need to get out of it. I will be fine though. I will be fine. If you ever happen to read this pray for me and my well being and pray for future wife shes a beautiful young lady and I dont know who she is but I know shes gonna be very happy as long as I keep getting that good good lol jk jk but for real though shes gonna be good. I just miss being in love and it may because I just miss my mom. So yeah...natural for anyone who loses someone close to them. Well, Im out this THANG!

Oh yeah, Dont get left behind! FOOLIES

Jan 2, 2012

Pitbull: Latinos In Paris feat. Sensato

305 dopeness! Thats all I have to say! ENJOY! MR WORLDWIDE MR DR PEPPER HAS DONE IT AGAIN!
Granted that flier has nothing to do with anything but yeah! lol!

And oh, he brought one of his homies along as well!! Spazzin! That Shhh Cray and I had no idea what he say! lol! Something about chico's being loco!! ayeee!!!

Foolies is da movement!

Dec 21, 2011

D. Whisper - Never Get Enough

So I was on my late night browsing the web and I see my boy (who is from belize) who goes to full sail post a video from some guy named D. Whisper. I hit the play button and Im like okay cool belize has a music scene (of course they have one, but I am thinking more soca/reggae vibe) but I would have never thought of rap/hip hop scene by any means..I know I know other countries rap as well, I'm no fool and I listen to rappers from the UK and Japan all the time so I know other places do it to, but I just wasn't thinking about a rapper from belize...cut me some slack...hhaha

...but then beat switched up on me and then I was like "Ohhhhhhhh" I would have never thought I would be stumbling upon this young boy out of belize with a banger! Well, I wont talk too much more enjoy the track! Gotta respect the grind even when its outside the borders ya dig!

Dec 19, 2011

Video: A Social Network Christmas

Thought this was cool so I am sharing it with my blog followers!

Dec 2, 2011

Video: Shay J X Mickey Retro - Dreamer

The two aspiring Emcees hail from South Florida and crossed paths while attending the University of Florida where their comradeship began. They had known each other for years off friendship alone, but never created any work together. The chemistry was finally shown between the duo once they decided to put their talents together, creating an E.P. that reflects the many contents of both individuals: The Huey Vs. Riley EP. The EP is not solely based off of “The Boondocks” cartoon, however, it encompasses the dichotomy of perspectives between both characters (Conscious ignorance), while delivering a story about an artist’s rise and fall through trials and tribulations, from an introspective and extrospective point of view. The EP’s storytelling is also broken in to three parts: The Grind, The Dream, and The T(rap).

Their new single "Dreamer" takes the listener through an experience that personifies the common grounds that musicians share with one another: The gift and the curse of escapism.

For more info: