Captains Log...

Dear Blog,

I come to you again just dropping my thoughts about life and everything in it. Sometimes blog I just get that feeling that I am all alone despite what the friend count on facebook may be (2,880). Yeah, that is not necessarily true but there are somethings that I just feel empty about ya know. I really do wish I just had my mothers thoughts and wisdom on things but I have to figure out everything on my own. Yeah, its apart of life but I just rather not go through it ya know.

I battle with what I really want to do with my career. I love the world of health and I do see myself become a Physical Therapist and I do want to work for the cirque. Apart of me see's a career in the bright lights and being up there with most important of important people. I know one day I want to be able to provide for my family and just make sure they are straight.

Speaking of family, I will have to make this family with someone right? Well, not really but really. Who will she be? Which young lady will I sweep off there feet and treat them like the Deity they have always been. (Flashback) When I was in middle school I use to have poems about love and pain and finding love and experiencing pain and a young lady told me "the reason why you probably write about love so much is because of your mom." Those words could never have been any more true. Yeah, I do wish I had someone to love like I loved her. And yea sometimes my actions do not reflect my goals in finding this woman to love, hold, honor and cherish. But now-a-days women are looking for that "one thing" as well and trying to get out before the towers collapses on her heart. And as we all do we chase things that are pretty much out of our reach and we do not want to admit that it is and the person that is right in front of you gets overlooked. I mean personally, you dont have to settle...and I am not conceited so I have not and will not only pursue 8,9 and Dimes. While I may talk about em alot it does not mean thats the women I seek. Anywho, as that young lady said yes my heart is looking to love someone as I loved (and of course still love till this day) my mother.

Besides hoping misses right ends up getting washed up on my shore I also just can not help but to get this alone feeling sometime. I feel like no one really understands me. Everyone feels they know me but know nothing of me. Some people are still deciphering if Nemo is my real name. And some people I am happy I got to meet them and make there lives a little brighter with my alter ego. I feel like I am just walking and everything around me is a blur. They do not feel my pain that I feel that I have to mask with my humor ya know. Like, my dad is really just a waste of my life and I really just don't know sometimes how this will effect me in the future. I try to cherish my relationships with my friends because they have been somewhat of a family for me because I just do not know my immediate family. I kind of grew up as an Orphan as well. But, thats another short story that can be saved for another time.

Just other little things doubting that I will make it to the next step in my life. And what my future will hold for me. Not wanting to repeat my past but its so hard. Sometimes you just wanna let all the facial muscles go and cry and scream and kick and punch a few things. I just don't know about life sometimes ya know. But I do feel that everything just goes back to being loved or having someone love you. I feel like I will be forever empty until that day. And yeah you can love yourself bla bla bla but it is really not the same like having others notice you. Just getting them to notice you is the difficult. As I try this "dating" concept I am realizing that more and more women just have been so blinded by ONLY talking to "one guy" and this guy being a guy that they "actively" like or admire from a far that they do not even know how to open up there mind. But, I am sure others would say the same about me as well. But this isnt really your blog now is it! Ha!

All in all, finding yourself as a person, MAN, role model, friend, apart of student org or a lifetime one, etc. etc. is not easy. One may feel like there will be no answers at all. I still feel that way shoot. I am just going through it and hoping that things luck up for me. But ask yourself as you read this (or if you read this because you probably only look at the surface of my blog and never really look through my topics) do you really know the people around you? Do the people around you really know you as well? Do you know the person of this blog well or are you still on the he was my "oasis mentor" tip lol! If you care cool if you dont then cool as well. Everyone is not gonna even come here to waste there time to read all this. But to those who do you are appreciated. and I dont know if I captured everything I was feeling but I feel a little better than how I felt prior to writing this. So on that note...

Sincerely,

Fishman

PS: To the woman I am supposed to fall in love with...just know that I will cherish you with all my heart. I will carry you on my back if your feet get tired from all of the pressure that life puts on you. I will honor you and protect you to the best of my abilities because I am only 5'6. I will make you smile in the worst of times and I will make you cry with laughter in the best of times. You are my sunshine, rain, clouds, storms, stars, and everything that is remotely just hanging in the abyss of space that is what we called the sky. Why? Because regardless of how high those things may be you will always be flyer than that. All I ask is that you care for me and honor me as I honor you. Do not only give 50/50 give 100/100 so that we do not half such a beautiful relationship. You were my friend now and you will be a friend forever. My heart is now in your hands hold it to your own and watch they synchronize with one another. To the woman I am supposed to fall in love with just know I love you.