As I sit here and listen to 305 & Heartbreaks I really just think about all the many situations I have been through since the point of me about to graduate up until now. While I have accomplish so much there is still so much to do.
As I am in this "Jordan Era" (23 years of age) and thinking about my life and thinking about how I want to make it, I cant help to think about my heart. Think about the relationships I have massacred or the many I could have had or just where is this person I am supposed to be giving the "world" to. Realizing these days that I am scared of commitment I could just blame myself but its a two way street ya know? And although my mom was creating the "perfect husband" she was also creating a naive little boy who was having women break his heart so I turned it around and not grew cold per se but just did better at hiding my true thoughts and emotions. But I still embraced both sides grew wiser but did not grow cold but try to arrange those feeling accordingly ya know.
I think about the UF days and think about how many women prolly just looked the other way cause I was "popular and greek" or whatever people considered me as. Sometimes people put me on a pedestal I did not deserve to be on. Or just downplayed me cause I was "Nemo" and everything was a joke ya know...But thats another tale of the heart...and its shocking it still happens even after graduating...
Ne who...I am stuck in a misunderstanding and the person just wont believe me that I am telling the truth and it sucks. The more they want to have nothing to do with me it hurts even more. But, I just can not bare to try to blast her or even retaliate. All it does it make me think of a person more and more and how much I care for them and just genuinely want them around. Even though thats not what its supposed or it not what it "has" to be but I wanted. And could easily just be like "yea lemme move on" but its always easier to quit than it is to toughen things out or stay and fight for what you believe in. Funny, we prolly would fight harder for people that do not love us than rights for own skin color. But yea, her heart is locked tight like "penitentiary" bars or like an onstar after ya car has been reported broken into. And it puzzles me to how they can just put me out of their life so easily and make it seem like I was some horrible dude. I dont think I am at least, right? But I just do not know why I care so much. Maybe cause I cant have her but whatever I just care in general ya know. That caring compassion that my mother had for people has just trickled on to me. I really can not recall to many people I have ever been mad at and I usually get over it cause life is to short. Just can not deny what I feel or how I feel. Just never been me and I really wont start now. You stay in my prayers (when I remember to pray...Im not gonna front like I dont miss days) and I hope the best for you in everything and honestly just want you to end up happy even if its not with me. Somebody will be a bit more appreciative than I was and give you all that you deserve. Someone who will wipe your tears when they fall, rub your back when it aches, kiss hold and honor you more than anything in life ya know?
As I worry about where I will get the next dollar and think about making it into music business it just all gets discouraging. I just can not let it defeat me but man it sure does punch the shit outta me. Like that one hit that drops you to a knee or damn near layed out till that ref hits the count of "7,8" and you get back up but your still dizzy and bleeding and think you can fight but you really do not need to be but your still saying you got it."
Where is my mom when I need her? While I am going through all this female stuff I wish I had you at least to give me some good advice tell me you love me and kiss me on the forehead or something. Sometimes I do know how I write this without breaking down into tears sometimes. I be wanting to but then I gotta be a G ya know? and I am sure the recommended advice would be to pray and its okay it will all find you in good time! Just relax it will come! dammit has n e thing in life just come to you while NOT trying? You had to do a little work and then see rewards thereafter right?
I know it might just be me growing up thats why I am getting all emo about my heart these days. People said I was young 18 and now people are saying im young at 23 now when I hit 30 will people still say I am young or be like "what were you doing" cause people switch up real quick. I could go in some more about errthing but I cant handle that. I just had to get some of it off my chest. yea...I digress...305 & Heartbreaks now blasting! Im out!
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