Tears filled my eyes. Tears filled my eyes at the very moment I saw it. Did any of the moments we share mean anything to you? Was I not worthy? Was it the distance? What was it? So many questions and thoughts cross my mind and me knowing there will never be an answer to it all. Tears fall. Tears fall from my eyes blurring my vision and making this even harder to write but I sniffle and wipe my eyes with hopes to get all of these thoughts on paper. I just don't understand it any more. As I message you via facebook chat and dare to ask you who is the lucky young individual but really hoping to hear "Oh, its just a joke." But, I figured you would not make a joke so trivial and that it had to hold some truth. As the chat sign came up indicating she was writing a message just as she hit enter and I saw the verdict every moment we ever shared flashed before my eyes. And then I congratulated her. The only thing I could possibly think of doing other than asking "why was I not given a chance?" and pretty much looking like a sore loser. And as much as I want to keep all of this inside I refuse. I refuse to let my thoughts eat me alive. I refuse to restrain my tears and to restrain my thoughts. I could care less about what societal norms say about the male species expressing their true emotions. And I can care less about anyone who thinks that I just need to up and let this moment go. The easiest thing for someone to say because they do not want to hear the current problems of another individual. So now I continue on. I continue on with a lifeless and frail expression. Not knowing what words I should type next to truly capture this feeling inside. And there is literally nothing I can say to explain how I feel but its just one of those undeniable feelings in your chest. That feeling where it gets all heavy and you feel all fuzzy, but its not really that good fuzzy, its that "I cant believe this is hitting me like this fuzzy." I am probably making no sense at all. And I am fine with that. Another sigh is taken as I think about our last moments.
Our last moments shared was over dinner. We spent all of the day together that day. I watched you shop and you dragged me from store to store holding my hand. At first I was confused and did not know if it was accidental but I went along with it. Over dinner I explained to you why everything happened in the past and we both realized that it was just one big misunderstanding. We held hands and stared into each others hearts that night. It was the bond that I was longing for since the very first time I met her. When dinner was over we walked back to the car so that she could take me home. We hugged and kissed like we once did a very long time ago. I never felt such a rush through my body like when I kissed her lips. Then I stopped her and said "my wish came true." She looked confused. And then I explained what I meant. Before we left the mall and went to dinner that day we stopped at a wishing well. I had some change in my pocket and I through a penny in and made a wish. My wish was to kiss her before the end of the night. Now, I think back to the moment and wished I would have wished for something else. Why didn't I wish for heart to be held under the protection of mines and that we would fall endlessly in love with one another and I would whisk her off feet and make sure she never has to worry about the current situation she is in with her life because I will have it all taken care of. I guess a wish of that caliber had too much for the great dieties to make happen so a kiss seemed a bit more favorable. She took me home and we kissed again, we shared blackberry contacts and that was the last time we saw each other. It was around christmas or maybe after christmas. I just remember for her looking for a dress for new years. So it had to be around the time of the holidays. But that is neither here nor there and most likely irrelevant to you.
But today all of those dreams I had crashed. Those dreams crashed and up into flames it went. The fumes from it all stifled me. So I am currently having trouble breathing. Trying to think positive about it all but its just to damn difficult. The questions arise once more. Why wasn't I worthy? Why wasn't I good enough to prove to you that I could be that person? Why was I never given a chance? Yeah, I am sure its all apart of the BIG GUY upstairs plan. Yea Yea, I will find something no worries. But its always easier to say that to someone and you MAY have an idea of how they feel but in all honestly you haven't the strangest idea. You could never feel what I feel at this very moment. And I could never feel what you feel when you are going through your pressing times. I can try to feel your pain but I would never truly understand it. So many questions in life that just go unanswered. Such if life right? I mean I do really wish them the best. And only hope that this person is there in her corner for the long haul. She is a beautiful young lady and deserves nothing but best. Text her saying that you miss her and please do not break her heart. Treat her like the queen she deserves to be treated as, please. As the tears flow even more it does become harder to see clearly at the moment. But as i was saying. Whoever you are young man please give your all and trust that she will give it to you as well. Never take a day off on showing her how much she is appreciated. Hopefully, you can make her laugh and hopefully you can be the shoulder to lean on when times get rough. Please do not mess a good thing up. As so many of us men have in the past unknowingly and knowingly. Do not lie to her and always be honest. She is a goofy girl but packs a hell of an intellect so stimulate her mind whenever you can. You have gotten farther than me so you are doing something right apparently. I wish you the best. And apparently my wishes come true so you guys will be set. Well, let me gather myself and keep it moving on. It will be tough, but I will deal with it. I will just drink some pepto for this heart burn and see if that relieves the pain for a few hours.
Well, signing out. Captains log. Over and out.
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