Aug 29, 2013

Captains Log: Stuck in a Jam

I humbly come to my old blog/diary with a few thoughts on my heart. Another day, another woman that just isn't for me. I get to the point where I ask myself, "What am I doing wrong?" 

It does hurt. Yeah, more fishes in the sea. The foolish proverbial quote that gets thrown out over and over. Well, there is a reason why Fisherman stick to a certain kind of fish and they know which ones should be caught and which ones shouldn't be. I guess that could sum up this post and I keep it moving eh?

Nope. This is my venting moment. Year after year it is the same struggle. Beautiful, amazing, faith driven woman taken right from under my nose. They were never mine to begin with, but I would have liked to think I had a shot. 

I would have liked to think I had some chance in this universe to get the woman that I want. Not settle because someone likes me or is giving me attention. The irony of this title. The irony of life. I woke up happy this morning. Motivating the world. Spreading positive messages. Went to catch up on a friends page and then wam. In a relationship. My heart dropped out of my chest. I picked it up and it laughed at me. 

Yet, this is only one instance out of the many. Besides having other women in my life that would rather chase douche bags and others who just can't let go of their past (Which I guess is better for me...but still) it all just sucks. I pray for my wife. I pray for her health and strength. I pray for her ability to stay strong in tough times, and I pray that she is smiling. I pray these things from an honest and genuine place. I cannot stop praying. Sometimes I want to stop. Yes, stop praying. When you get turned down so many times it is almost as if I am just being laughed at by the heavens and the rest of the universe. Yeah, I am sure I could meet Mrs Nemo after this post, but whatever. 

I always say I should just focus on getting my money up and keep it moving. Find a woman when I am successful and at least 45 years of age. The point where I will most likely be out of debt and just in a better place in life. 

It is tough. I am sure women go through it as well, and other brothers like myself, but yeah. My heart! Just all over the floor is where it is. Now you ask yourself do you stay being that person's friend knowing you like them more than that? Do you keep yourself conveniently in the picture just in case that current brother slips up. Funny, I don't really trust these dudes out here, and I watch them break the hearts of all the women I ever try to pursue which then makes it tough for me to ever have an opportunity again. 

It is what it is. I would say I am done and then tomorrow morning I would be right back in love again. It all sucks. Well, another one bites the dust. I hope she is happy. The person this was originally about. I pray this brother doesn't break her heart. I pray he honors her and takes care of her emotionally and spiritually like I would have. And if it is her last I pray he works every single day to make sure she never stops loving him. Which I am sure won't be hard because her heart is so big.

I guess I keep fighting the good, tiring fight. No one said it would be easy, but this is harder than I would have ever imagined. I digress. Later old blog/journal (not diary...diaries are for wimps). Thanks for always being there for me. I will try to come back more often. Or the next time my heart is broken haha. Excuse the typos. Please and thanks.  

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