Captains Log: Better Than Good Enough

(So I will apologize for any punctuation stuff and errors and such...Because when I write from my heart I just dont stop to erase the errors because its what make up my life ya know!)

So after watching this Drake Documentary all it did was make me think about all the things that I would rather pursue sometimes outside of this Physical Therapy world. I was talking to B. Dub aka B. White aka Teddy and he said it best "People just don't pursue their dreams anymore." Yeah, It is a dream to work for the "Cirque Du Soleil" and all that jazz but I have subdued other dreams for years now just because I am like "that will not get me anywhere" or "Everyone is doing that; whats gonna make me really stick out" and its funny because I see soooo much talent get washed up by the workforce. We gotta make money and although it takes a good 4-8 years (and even more for some) to finish school this always seems like the sure route to Freedom or is it?. Now, I will not say do not go to college or finish high school but then again school is not for everyone. And I would go more into that thought process but that is a whole other argument. And this is coming from a man with a Bachelors in Applied Physiology and Kinesiology and soon to be certified Massage Therapist.

So, what am I getting at? What dreams are you referring to ATG (Nemo, Fishman, Deuce, Trmatik)? Well the dream of the entertainment world!!! You know I been writing poetry since 6th grade, rapping since middle school, I had a mini youtube show showcasing talented rappers and singers around the University of Florida called Nemo's Corner, danced for a bit (What Up APOCALYPSE) and this is technically my 3rd mixtape and my 2nd Solo project and there is other little things here and there but you get my drift. I keep making little steps to get into the world of entertainment but then I back up in fear and run away from the thought of it all...

Okay, Okay, so you wanna do entertainment and what does this have to do with Drake? Well if you watched the "better than good enough" documentary you see da kid Aubrey talk about his come up into the game and how he is simply making a living off of being himself. Which hit me pretty deep because we are both the same age and pretty much on some type of wavelink or on the same path...He just been there a lot longer than I have ya know...I mean you may get it or not but moving on...

So this documentary, its just thrown me into a spiral of thoughts like why don't I just try to pursue my dreams and I say its a dream because I keep dabbling back in the craft of entertainment and rapping and all that other jiggy jazz. I mean honestly I love it...I have hosted shows, been in many of the freestyle competitions, rapping on the underground radio stations in miami, rapping on the underground stations with big lip bandit and the rap game, in night clubs in miami trying to win freestyle competitions and even though they were bootleg I was trying to make something happen ya know. Its been the little mini things in my life that has been making me think and its nothing like the feeling of someone saying "man, you did a good job up there" or "How long you been rapping, your actually good" and even though I do my best to stay humble it makes me think ya know? Other people tell me I have a gift and most times I am to busy doubting myself to see it. I mean we all doubt ourselves at some point dont we? Some of us at least, right? I cant be alone, Am I? And trust I get both sides of it all as well "Oh you dont look like you would fit the world of rap" or "dont try to pursue a career in this or that because you would never make it" or "Your another rapper, riiittee" But whatever you take the good with the bad the pretty with the ugly the burger with the fries right? Thats life in a nutshell...

So...now, I think, I think about what is my REAL PURPOSE...What am I really, really truly destined to be doing. Because, just because I am all the way at the finish line does not mean I am supposed to end the race just yet (if that make sense). Or maybe I am tired of being broke, no car, struggling to pay rent, and loans about to hit me back real soon and I need to be making GOOD money, not OKAY money, but like GOOOD money...and I do not want to be deferring loans forever and ever amen...and it sucks cause I have to ask people for things and I mean I have no choice but I hate it. When will I not have to depend SOOO much on others when will I be able to provide th help for someone else? And I mean I have but still ya know...And I get bottled up inside my thoughts and sometimes I try to do it all on my own when I really cant and its just all one big frustrating mess.

But I wont start forming a thesis about my life and I am sure there are others struggling more than I am. And I know I am blessed beyond belief and I shouldn't worry but I do anyways ya know. And just like drake at 23 and as much as I just wanna be your typical male (which I fall into this hole every now and then) and I think about my life and the things I have never had (like a father) and the most amazing person in my life that I lost (My mother) I yearn to be loved or to love someone ya know. I was talking to big sister Taadow and I was telling her today like honestly with this massage therapy stuff its just for my wife at the end of the day and although she laugh I am beyond serious. And my mother always told me "one day your gonna make some young lady really happy" and so I battle with my inner Peter Parker (PAUSE) you know, the battle of a superhero where he gets to a point where his biggest enemy is HIMSELF...but whatever...I share a passion for a life that I can not get to at this point. Will I keep trying? Maybe? Maybe Not? I just been thinking about a lot since about August of 2009 (the semester of my graduation) and who knows if my mind will ever come to a rest. There is not enough twitter and facebook statuses that could truly capture how I feel most days ya know? Well...who knows whats next for me...We will see...I digress...