Captains Log: Stuck in a Jam

I humbly come to my old blog/diary with a few thoughts on my heart. Another day, another woman that just isn't for me. I get to the point where I ask myself, "What am I doing wrong?" 

It does hurt. Yeah, more fishes in the sea. The foolish proverbial quote that gets thrown out over and over. Well, there is a reason why Fisherman stick to a certain kind of fish and they know which ones should be caught and which ones shouldn't be. I guess that could sum up this post and I keep it moving eh?

Nope. This is my venting moment. Year after year it is the same struggle. Beautiful, amazing, faith driven woman taken right from under my nose. They were never mine to begin with, but I would have liked to think I had a shot. 

I would have liked to think I had some chance in this universe to get the woman that I want. Not settle because someone likes me or is giving me attention. The irony of this title. The irony of life. I woke up happy this morning. Motivating the world. Spreading positive messages. Went to catch up on a friends page and then wam. In a relationship. My heart dropped out of my chest. I picked it up and it laughed at me. 

Yet, this is only one instance out of the many. Besides having other women in my life that would rather chase douche bags and others who just can't let go of their past (Which I guess is better for me...but still) it all just sucks. I pray for my wife. I pray for her health and strength. I pray for her ability to stay strong in tough times, and I pray that she is smiling. I pray these things from an honest and genuine place. I cannot stop praying. Sometimes I want to stop. Yes, stop praying. When you get turned down so many times it is almost as if I am just being laughed at by the heavens and the rest of the universe. Yeah, I am sure I could meet Mrs Nemo after this post, but whatever. 

I always say I should just focus on getting my money up and keep it moving. Find a woman when I am successful and at least 45 years of age. The point where I will most likely be out of debt and just in a better place in life. 

It is tough. I am sure women go through it as well, and other brothers like myself, but yeah. My heart! Just all over the floor is where it is. Now you ask yourself do you stay being that person's friend knowing you like them more than that? Do you keep yourself conveniently in the picture just in case that current brother slips up. Funny, I don't really trust these dudes out here, and I watch them break the hearts of all the women I ever try to pursue which then makes it tough for me to ever have an opportunity again. 

It is what it is. I would say I am done and then tomorrow morning I would be right back in love again. It all sucks. Well, another one bites the dust. I hope she is happy. The person this was originally about. I pray this brother doesn't break her heart. I pray he honors her and takes care of her emotionally and spiritually like I would have. And if it is her last I pray he works every single day to make sure she never stops loving him. Which I am sure won't be hard because her heart is so big.

I guess I keep fighting the good, tiring fight. No one said it would be easy, but this is harder than I would have ever imagined. I digress. Later old blog/journal (not diary...diaries are for wimps). Thanks for always being there for me. I will try to come back more often. Or the next time my heart is broken haha. Excuse the typos. Please and thanks.  

Captains Log: I Wait For My Maka?

I just finished watching this show and I guess it would work for the focal point of this piece. For those who watch the show every episode has a title and starts it off in question format as well (hence the title today).
Well basically the young lady kissing the Dapper (if that is the correct word) young gentlemen is named Maka. Maka is a meister and a student at...actually you probably don't care. lol. Well the guy she is kissing his name is Soul. In short they are binder together. To serve, to honor, to protect one another. They would easily put their life on the line for each other and pretty much do that in every episode to some extent.
I guess you could say I'm always in this state of "Wheres My Maka." And the millions of people tell you "don't look for it" and "be patient" cliche phrases like "it will come just wait" and yeah I get it I appreciate it but I have been single for a while. Hitting 5 golden years and Im sure other people have longer sentences lol! But still, I work on myself day in and day out. Why? because just like Soul he wants to get stronger or in this case better. He wants to become the best for Maka essentially.
Yeah, I have a bunch of female friends and they are pretty dope. Every now and then something sparks up and then falls whether it be due to casual sex that became to casual without any relationship talk or that dreadful friend zone region and/or you just never learn about that friend enough to know they could be a great candidate. Whatever the case may be I still end up singing every now and then "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller..." Sadly enough, I was so depressed one night I actually went to sleep with that song playing. I know I know, I think its my cancer crab swag (AYEEEEE) cancer crab swag (inserts dougie) (Ayeeeee). If you didnt get that my sign is usually an emotional cannonball of happiness and sadness...okay...
So yeah, I don't know yo. The ish is annoying. I chase all the women who don't want me and ignore those who really do. I mean, I don't have to settle do I? I can be patient until I feel THIS woman right here!??! This woman right here...Yeah thats dat DEATH!!
I don't know. I feel somewhat lame even writing this. But the blog is all I have. I don't showcase it to the world anymore so its a great diary spot. Excuse me, a journal! Grown men don't have diaries. MAN LAW. I just want my MAKA bruh. I just want a woman that I can hold and honor and protect. I get tired and weary. I need someone to rub my back and tell me its okay. I don't have my mother in my life as that number one woman and maybe (even though its been a little over a decade) just maybe that adds to the subtle madness. Adds to the fear of the putrid question "What if I am really meant to be alone forever?" I think it says somewhere in the bible or I heard from a cousin or something no one is meant to be alone. But relationships (like bf/gf) aren't necessarily gonna be the fulfillment. It could mean you have a great friend by your side forever and ever not necessarily a companion or MY RIB! A brother just want his RIB back doe! I want my BABY BACK RIIIIBBSSSS! (BBQ Sauce).
As I write more paragraphs I will say it eases my mind from the frustration a tad bit. Outside of the being a graduate with a million degrees and still not being able to find a job which makes me not want to even look for a job but I have to because I owe others money or more so have them as co-signers sooooo I cant dare put them in that bind. So on top of being lonely, having no job, I also have to motivate (and yes its all by choice) others to be dreamers and not give up and its tough cause who's rooting me on? who's praying for me ya know? I mean, I definitely wish well over friends and family and such. But yeah...I know they are out there...but I could use just as much motivation as the next...I sit for hours just reading and watching motivational clips to get my spirits up and I probably should read the bible more (just like I should work out more and eat better) but you know how that story plays.
But hey maybe thats why I havent found my Maka. She's hidden somewhere between Genesis and Revelations, wrapped in the Blood of the Lamb and though me and her eyes have not met maybe if I opened up the word then maybe her face would appear more clearly to me. Either way, I need to get back on praying for this woman who will one day (in good hopes) be my wife. Praying that she is safe. Praying that she is happy. Praying that we meet. I will continue working on myself in order to be great for her when I meet her. One day I wont be told "You would be a great husband" by some woman I madly adore and actually be a great woman to that woman who has fallen for, me. Yeah...Its all good...
Well blog, thanks for being my good friend and listening to me as usual. You understand. If I talk to humans they will just throw cliches and try to solve whats going with my thoughts. Its never what I need. Ever.
Soul signing out.

Captains Log: How I am feeling at the moment

Its been a while since I have seen you blog. Well, Captains log number whatever this is. I could care less about typos or correct punctuation or grammar so if this ever happens to reach the public eye if you care about that stuff I suggest you stop reading, NOW! Its just been a crazy month and I just cant stop dreaming, cant stop thinking. The smell of smoke fills the air and I hate when people freaking smoke. Might be the most nastiest shit ever! And I rarely curse so just know Im in one of those moods.

Well, yeah. I owe my new University money and its all good I love it hear so this isn't a bash session by any means. Im just tired and frustrated and I just have all these big goals and dreams and the world on my back and I put them there. Once again I have tried to be the super hero and as every super hero in ever super hero movie they get to the point where they are like I cant take this any more rips off the mask throws the shit in the garbage and goes back to their normal life with their normal problems.

But, as usual some old lady gets approached by a burglar and your options are to let her get her purse stolen and murdered by this low life of a person or step in and conveniently reach into my pocket and OH LOOK, my mask! But im nervous, I got tests coming up and haven't been doing that well on the mini practicals. And of course im worried about the freaking female race and why the FLYING RATS A-hole am I single and how freaking tired of this life I am. TIRED. Thats T-I-R as in Robert or Rice E as in E and a D as in Dese nuts! I know I know, just blowing off the steem (I know its spelled steam but two e's just seems so much more appropriate right now).

And I know I know wahh wahh shut that shhh up stop crying, it could be worse, other people go through more...but theres still alot. Im also a FOOLIE which is supposed to mean im so freaking ambitious that Im supposed to change the world and stuff but that also gets stressful cause then I get messages and texts and phone calls about how proud people are and I gotta keep fighting the good fight. but yeah, (no capitalization GRRRR) I JUST have a lot going on and hopefully I get a cosigner on my loan or something so that I can continue school and not get kicked out and all of that good stuff.

I do this for my mom though, I do this because she fought till her very last breath so why not fight till my very last breath as well. Geez man, stuff is tough. And I pray and stuff and keep good faith and its only a test in my toughest moments to see how much a believe I am but geesh man I feel like Im getting broken down every month and a half lol! I wish my life was perfect sometimes and then I think if it was then I wouldn't have walked the paths I have seen in my life. I just hope it all works out. It always does. I just hope that "always" does happens one mo' gen. I thank my friend homie CP for holding me down and all the other people who continues to do so. Im just in one of those moods and I need to get out of it. I will be fine though. I will be fine. If you ever happen to read this pray for me and my well being and pray for future wife shes a beautiful young lady and I dont know who she is but I know shes gonna be very happy as long as I keep getting that good good lol jk jk but for real though shes gonna be good. I just miss being in love and it may because I just miss my mom. So yeah...natural for anyone who loses someone close to them. Well, Im out this THANG!

Oh yeah, Dont get left behind! FOOLIES

Captains Log: The Struggle of a Superhero

"I just got a lot up on my mind, feeling like nemo with thoughts hard to find" - ATG

**warning this post may be a little lengthy and I wouldnt be surprised if you didnt read, didnt care to read or just got confused by my ranting but if you do choose to read you are appreciated. Thanks in advance.**

I have not blogged in awhile but hopefully this is a good one. Hopefully! You ever think about what a SuperHero has to go through in their life? Have you ever thought about how much stress they are under? You ever wonder if they have anyone to save them when things get tough?

Prolly not, or you would just think that another superhero would help save another superhero if the going really got THAT tough.

I have always said this for years that a Superheroes biggest struggle is an internal one. If you ever pay attention to comics/cartoons/superhero shows or even pay attention to the over-dramatic tv syndicates a superhero usually gets to a point where they wonder if saving the world is really worth the saving. Some people would say you know what "Well, if being a superhero is so HARD then why is he still trying to be a superhero?" and then another group would then say (if he/she were to quit) "The superheroes are never around when you need them."

Some people would say shut up and stop complaining and thats life, deal with it, get over it and roll with the punches. But for you dear or kind sir (insert name of whoever would make the comment) you can click here. SN: If you dont know me you will take offense to the comment if you do take offense lol! jk jk! But just hear me out.

Moving forward. The unnappreciated, undervalued, self sacrificing role is the life the superhero must lead. Think about how many lives are touched/saved/helped by this one superhero (or superheroes) and there are still those people who could give a flying rats ass because they feel like "they are supposed to do that." The one that is supposed to smile and save your baby from floating down a river and keep your house from burning down by using their incredibly large lung capacity to gather up enough breath to put out the fire in one blow. And may the heavens forbid this superhero not make it on time to save the day. The people who once loved him/her now despise him. "How could you?" "Where were you?" Despite the fact another villain had you held up and you had to save a meteor from hitting the earth ANNNND still be there to try to save another all at the same time. And trust, the superhero understands that you might not mean any harsh words at him/her per se but, trust that he/she hurts inside because he feels like he couldnt do enough.

Ooorrrr there is the superhero that in real life they are a dork, lame, cornball and so on and so forth. But with a mask/cape and a few tricks and swinging and jumping from a few buildings they are now instantly appealing. I think of spidermans love for Mary Jane and how long he had to keep things a secret before actually telling her how he truly felt. While she galloped along with some jerk/popular guy (not saying that all popular guys are jerks but in this case the cotext is true). Although there is some power that lies within anonymity and that,I will not lie about.

But yea, I always think about how the superhero feels and what is their struggle like. Does superman ever just wish for once that he would get trapped in his phone booth or does spiderman ever hope that his spider sense did not tingle or does Batman ever hope the batmobile is in the shop or that the bat signal would just stop working due to a short in the power outlet? Usually in most cases the only person there to save superman if there is a spec of kryptonite laying around is batman (ironically). I mean I can go on and on but...I think you grasp the struggle that I am referring to. Moving on.

So this is my thanks to that superhero who always remember the greater picture. That superhero who always remembers why he/she started throwing on the big stupid red cape and wearing those god awful tights. That superhero who will stil save his arch-nemesis if the opportunity arised. And to that Superhero who will even go as far as giving villains a place to stay, new home and finding any way to comfort them in their time of need; despite the fact that this is the same villain who tried just last week to create a death ray that would take an entire planet outta the troposphere. Uncle Ben (Peter Parkers uncle from Spiderman) said it best "With Great power comes great responsibility" so while it hurts to be a superhero sometimes there is so much good that does come from it all. You just gotta wonder if it ever gets completely fuzzy ya know? ahh well...im off like a prom dress blog readers. be easy.

Any Thoughts?
Any feelings regarding the subject?
Any thing that has you feeling differently?
Drop a line its totally free of charge and I would love to hear something, if anything...

Captains Log: Thoughts of her

This morning I woke up thinking I had some things to do (but they were canceled). Started my normal routine: get up, use the restroom, wash up and then check my social networks. Same old stuff "people don't wanna wake up" "hitting snooze on the alarm clock" "a few morning blessings" you know, the usual. Well, where am I going with this you may ask...be patient...

So yea, I saw HER facebook page this morning. Not "HER" as in like Jesus (cause clearly Jesus is a woman) but Her ya know. I clicked on her page because I saw that she liked a few things. Its crazy because I forget how beautiful this girl is at times. I am still trying to accept the fact that she does not really need me in her life anymore. Not that I had a big role in it or anything, but I never even got the option. Its not the easiest realization but hey, at least its being realized. And from some quick scanning (not stalking) she seems happy. A smile that could light up the entire city of New York even during a power outage, a smile that could wipe any fear and/or problem. Its similar to that Men in black thing where when it flashes you forget all that happened prior to this very moment. Yeah, thats it. She had a smile that could make you forget everything up until this very moment. She was by far stunning to say the most. Moving on...

I hope that the young man you are with is treating as you should be treated. Hopefully, he takes care of you mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The physical can come whenever but being that you are part goddess he may still have a hard time handling a young Aphrodite like yourself. And although I cant have you I at least hope your happy. I would hate to see or hear otherwise. I hope that your stress is at a minimum, that you are maintaining a healthy lifestyle and your getting to shop as much as you can. I mean you do like to shop (of course as most women do) that was one of the things we shared the last time we hung out. Remember? well, I wont get into foolish memories and reminiscing of a past which is non-existent today...

I still remember when you took me with you to get that tattoo. I got to sit in with you during the session and while you were going through it you squeezed my hand from the pain and you may have shed a tear or two. While painful for you I was happy that I could be there to share a unique experience with you. We bonded that day and a different woman appeared before my very eyes....ahhhh...anywho, you crossed my mind and I began to write as I normally do whenever I really think about you. Hope you have a blessed day my lady.

Captains Log: Deep Thoughts

As I sit here and listen to 305 & Heartbreaks I really just think about all the many situations I have been through since the point of me about to graduate up until now. While I have accomplish so much there is still so much to do.

As I am in this "Jordan Era" (23 years of age) and thinking about my life and thinking about how I want to make it, I cant help to think about my heart. Think about the relationships I have massacred or the many I could have had or just where is this person I am supposed to be giving the "world" to. Realizing these days that I am scared of commitment I could just blame myself but its a two way street ya know? And although my mom was creating the "perfect husband" she was also creating a naive little boy who was having women break his heart so I turned it around and not grew cold per se but just did better at hiding my true thoughts and emotions. But I still embraced both sides grew wiser but did not grow cold but try to arrange those feeling accordingly ya know.

I think about the UF days and think about how many women prolly just looked the other way cause I was "popular and greek" or whatever people considered me as. Sometimes people put me on a pedestal I did not deserve to be on. Or just downplayed me cause I was "Nemo" and everything was a joke ya know...But thats another tale of the heart...and its shocking it still happens even after graduating...

Ne who...I am stuck in a misunderstanding and the person just wont believe me that I am telling the truth and it sucks. The more they want to have nothing to do with me it hurts even more. But, I just can not bare to try to blast her or even retaliate. All it does it make me think of a person more and more and how much I care for them and just genuinely want them around. Even though thats not what its supposed or it not what it "has" to be but I wanted. And could easily just be like "yea lemme move on" but its always easier to quit than it is to toughen things out or stay and fight for what you believe in. Funny, we prolly would fight harder for people that do not love us than rights for own skin color. But yea, her heart is locked tight like "penitentiary" bars or like an onstar after ya car has been reported broken into. And it puzzles me to how they can just put me out of their life so easily and make it seem like I was some horrible dude. I dont think I am at least, right? But I just do not know why I care so much. Maybe cause I cant have her but whatever I just care in general ya know. That caring compassion that my mother had for people has just trickled on to me. I really can not recall to many people I have ever been mad at and I usually get over it cause life is to short. Just can not deny what I feel or how I feel. Just never been me and I really wont start now. You stay in my prayers (when I remember to pray...Im not gonna front like I dont miss days) and I hope the best for you in everything and honestly just want you to end up happy even if its not with me. Somebody will be a bit more appreciative than I was and give you all that you deserve. Someone who will wipe your tears when they fall, rub your back when it aches, kiss hold and honor you more than anything in life ya know?

As I worry about where I will get the next dollar and think about making it into music business it just all gets discouraging. I just can not let it defeat me but man it sure does punch the shit outta me. Like that one hit that drops you to a knee or damn near layed out till that ref hits the count of "7,8" and you get back up but your still dizzy and bleeding and think you can fight but you really do not need to be but your still saying you got it."

Where is my mom when I need her? While I am going through all this female stuff I wish I had you at least to give me some good advice tell me you love me and kiss me on the forehead or something. Sometimes I do know how I write this without breaking down into tears sometimes. I be wanting to but then I gotta be a G ya know? and I am sure the recommended advice would be to pray and its okay it will all find you in good time! Just relax it will come! dammit has n e thing in life just come to you while NOT trying? You had to do a little work and then see rewards thereafter right?

I know it might just be me growing up thats why I am getting all emo about my heart these days. People said I was young 18 and now people are saying im young at 23 now when I hit 30 will people still say I am young or be like "what were you doing" cause people switch up real quick. I could go in some more about errthing but I cant handle that. I just had to get some of it off my chest. yea...I digress...305 & Heartbreaks now blasting! Im out!

Captains Log: Better Than Good Enough

(So I will apologize for any punctuation stuff and errors and such...Because when I write from my heart I just dont stop to erase the errors because its what make up my life ya know!)

So after watching this Drake Documentary all it did was make me think about all the things that I would rather pursue sometimes outside of this Physical Therapy world. I was talking to B. Dub aka B. White aka Teddy and he said it best "People just don't pursue their dreams anymore." Yeah, It is a dream to work for the "Cirque Du Soleil" and all that jazz but I have subdued other dreams for years now just because I am like "that will not get me anywhere" or "Everyone is doing that; whats gonna make me really stick out" and its funny because I see soooo much talent get washed up by the workforce. We gotta make money and although it takes a good 4-8 years (and even more for some) to finish school this always seems like the sure route to Freedom or is it?. Now, I will not say do not go to college or finish high school but then again school is not for everyone. And I would go more into that thought process but that is a whole other argument. And this is coming from a man with a Bachelors in Applied Physiology and Kinesiology and soon to be certified Massage Therapist.

So, what am I getting at? What dreams are you referring to ATG (Nemo, Fishman, Deuce, Trmatik)? Well the dream of the entertainment world!!! You know I been writing poetry since 6th grade, rapping since middle school, I had a mini youtube show showcasing talented rappers and singers around the University of Florida called Nemo's Corner, danced for a bit (What Up APOCALYPSE) and this is technically my 3rd mixtape and my 2nd Solo project and there is other little things here and there but you get my drift. I keep making little steps to get into the world of entertainment but then I back up in fear and run away from the thought of it all...

Okay, Okay, so you wanna do entertainment and what does this have to do with Drake? Well if you watched the "better than good enough" documentary you see da kid Aubrey talk about his come up into the game and how he is simply making a living off of being himself. Which hit me pretty deep because we are both the same age and pretty much on some type of wavelink or on the same path...He just been there a lot longer than I have ya know...I mean you may get it or not but moving on...

So this documentary, its just thrown me into a spiral of thoughts like why don't I just try to pursue my dreams and I say its a dream because I keep dabbling back in the craft of entertainment and rapping and all that other jiggy jazz. I mean honestly I love it...I have hosted shows, been in many of the freestyle competitions, rapping on the underground radio stations in miami, rapping on the underground stations with big lip bandit and the rap game, in night clubs in miami trying to win freestyle competitions and even though they were bootleg I was trying to make something happen ya know. Its been the little mini things in my life that has been making me think and its nothing like the feeling of someone saying "man, you did a good job up there" or "How long you been rapping, your actually good" and even though I do my best to stay humble it makes me think ya know? Other people tell me I have a gift and most times I am to busy doubting myself to see it. I mean we all doubt ourselves at some point dont we? Some of us at least, right? I cant be alone, Am I? And trust I get both sides of it all as well "Oh you dont look like you would fit the world of rap" or "dont try to pursue a career in this or that because you would never make it" or "Your another rapper, riiittee" But whatever you take the good with the bad the pretty with the ugly the burger with the fries right? Thats life in a nutshell...

So...now, I think, I think about what is my REAL PURPOSE...What am I really, really truly destined to be doing. Because, just because I am all the way at the finish line does not mean I am supposed to end the race just yet (if that make sense). Or maybe I am tired of being broke, no car, struggling to pay rent, and loans about to hit me back real soon and I need to be making GOOD money, not OKAY money, but like GOOOD money...and I do not want to be deferring loans forever and ever amen...and it sucks cause I have to ask people for things and I mean I have no choice but I hate it. When will I not have to depend SOOO much on others when will I be able to provide th help for someone else? And I mean I have but still ya know...And I get bottled up inside my thoughts and sometimes I try to do it all on my own when I really cant and its just all one big frustrating mess.

But I wont start forming a thesis about my life and I am sure there are others struggling more than I am. And I know I am blessed beyond belief and I shouldn't worry but I do anyways ya know. And just like drake at 23 and as much as I just wanna be your typical male (which I fall into this hole every now and then) and I think about my life and the things I have never had (like a father) and the most amazing person in my life that I lost (My mother) I yearn to be loved or to love someone ya know. I was talking to big sister Taadow and I was telling her today like honestly with this massage therapy stuff its just for my wife at the end of the day and although she laugh I am beyond serious. And my mother always told me "one day your gonna make some young lady really happy" and so I battle with my inner Peter Parker (PAUSE) you know, the battle of a superhero where he gets to a point where his biggest enemy is HIMSELF...but whatever...I share a passion for a life that I can not get to at this point. Will I keep trying? Maybe? Maybe Not? I just been thinking about a lot since about August of 2009 (the semester of my graduation) and who knows if my mind will ever come to a rest. There is not enough twitter and facebook statuses that could truly capture how I feel most days ya know? Well...who knows whats next for me...We will see...I digress...

Captains Log: Ape Escape 3

So year 3 and APE ESCAPE ehhhh?!!? Not as bad as people would make it out to be but you know not THE best event ever in the whole world...Of course brothers are gonna hate themselves for a good week or two but we will get through it.

So what was supposed to happen at Ape Escape?

Seven buses shuttle back and forth from Norman garage to the Jungle get you faded beyond your dreams and then we take you back home! Buses were gonna be shuttling through the event bringing people back earlier getting more people all that great stuff...the tweets the facebook messages were gonna be great! Go Alphas whooo! Ape Escape 4 Would have been promoted the next day! But of course that didnt happen as planned

So I will go through the cons first then the pros...at least the cons to the peoples eye...

I mean it was a lot of things internally that really just made this event go the way it did. I mean one you had a bus 7 out of the 7 breakdown which obviously was not in the hands of the Alphas but of course who else do you blame. People being shoved in and sitting three at a time...would we have wanted that...no, of course we wouldnt! We had a deal that buses would shuttle all night but then the drivers flip things up and decided that they werent gonna be traveling back and forth so that really hurt us. Yes we had a contract did that matter, nope! Can we sue them yes/maybe, but do we have money as a collegiate chapter to do that?! Nope! Would the campus even have cared...nope! cause once they had a bad time its just our fault ya know... Obviously, it makes the bruhs look bad and it makes us look like we were not on our A-game but that really was not the case. There was no real way to plan for an error so big!

Obviously, we tried to combat things by having seven buses and we just knew that BAM! We gonna be straight and then things just kinda fell apart. And then you would say well you shoulda let us drive...but no there would have been two many errors trying to take people on back end dirt roads and having them drive back shitty wasted and then someone hurting themselves. People sneaking in and not paying the works! We saved you gas we saved you time and we handled all the messy stuff..And safety is always first! We didnt want 3 to a seat we wanted 2 so that people can ride comfortably there and back! But because of it all we had to modify and get people there...but moving on...and SN someone got stuck in the sand because the dirt roads on the trail are so thick so IMAGINE 300 PLUS CARS GETTING STUCK! ne who..

Secondly, you would prolly complain that the music got really low but it was because of the Po-Po of course and we were trying to keep the event from shutting down but they did it anyways. So the event ended early. How they go there who knows! they followed someone I suppose or got word from the people in the neighboring area.

The buses also told us that once they left they were not coming back so we had it in our mind that all the bruhs or most of us was like we need to stay back at the site and let the people get on the bus so they can get home...which a lot of us did. But there was some personal problems going on with individuals and people were drunk then they had to be crammed. All types of bad looks! Last year the buses shuttled from earlier the party didnt shut down people got to leave if they wanted and stayed because till later because they didnt want to leave as of yet. but you know what can you do...

Now to the Pro's

6 of the 7 buses got to the event on time! Prolly carrying over a good 300-500 people not counting Alphas from outta state or what not.

When those 6 out of the 7 got their they were given beverages lol! Like it was water! The music was hittin...people were electric sliding doing the macaraena and even jammed out the CREDIT REPORT SONG (F-R-E-E THAT SPELLS FREE)

the number of people was good so that you could not say man....aint no one came to the event. Plus it was sold to capacity and I mean we wanted to do more but just couldnt.

And honestly, the bus ride their isnt that bad I mean you dont have to drive and waste ur own gas and the allure of the event is what takes it. For the fellas there was plenty of EYE CANDY and still plenty of drinks being chiseled out strong even two hours into the event.

But those were the events that occurred and obviously Its better you had a drink than to be sober.

Personal Thoughts

It sucks that you have to deal with the fact that no one from the outside in will ever understand (and I dont wanna say no one because some understand) why things happen the way it does. Of course Im hurt! Its my chapter, my friends that attend the event, out of towners, etc etc. We as well as any greek org or any org in general always wants the best for whats theirs. A lot of unforeseen things occurred and its crazy to see how people switch up on you when you go into event mode! And obviously, (My word for today) its gonna suck to read the tweets which I have read some of them with people speaking their minds, but what can you really do? We had to put thousands of dollars in this event and we throw it in hopes we make profit of course but I feel like most importantly we really wanted to see the campus have a good time. Did they?!! Yes, when?!? Only during the time...with the time letting out early people were mad and maybe they would have been okay if the bus was shuttling and stuff but it is what it is...And we can let the peoples judgements hurt us and not improve as a collective whole or chomp this one up to the game!

Editors Additions
We actually sat and begged the bus drivers for about an hour to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE can you guys shuttle back and forth we have brothers who know the location and we can get your drivers there and back please just help us out we only need one bus at least and we will even give an extra 300-400 dollars to ONE DRIVER (which we have but you dont have if that makes sense) just please let us be able to take people there and back...and it hurt to just watch the drivers say "no, we are not doing it and the distance is to far" and we are like we understand, we understand, and obviously what was told to us by the person who got us the buses and the contracts and everything is different from whats happening now but puhhhleasse help! LIke we would have never sold as many tickets if we knew in our right minds that there was gonna be the this situation...but nope! they didnt care, didnt budge, didnt move, didnt really give a damn! They just were like ALL SEVEN BUSES leave at the same time, ALL SEVEN GO HOME! and we are gonna pack as many people on a bus as we can and that was there way of accommodating for it all so then we have to throw people on the bus like slaves and like we dont care and yea you can say well dont throw the event if its soooo much problems with it then...well easier said than done...every event becomes the same or gets done over and over. You get tired of the clubs after a while and you need something new and innovative or different from the other things you do in a year on campus ya know! cause then everyone will complain that "the greeks never do anything new, always puttin us in the club, and the club is whack" and TS (theta sigma) as well as the greek community as well as BSU as well as the IBC as well as UF really try to make the best out of living in gainesville because we know it can be pretty boring, we know this isnt miami, lauderdale, tally, NY and all that! but hey it is what it is...

We also had no personal control over peoples personal feelings about each other and felt the need to bring to the event as well lol! I mean things happen ya know. People had liq in they system and it turns you into something else...may be good thing or a bad thing but its a THING lol!

And we even saved JUICE for the very last bus because were like you know we cant let them get to the event and they dont get nothing out of it...So we stop serving drinks and were willing to make others upset just so we can still have something for the last group to fall back on because they had it the worst ya know...but hey..
(Editor updates stop at this point)

And some people would read this and prolly still say fuck us ya know and thats cool everyone is entitled to their thoughts...but I dont think I would really advertise this blogspot post to the public this is more so my personal feelings not so much of the public. We wanted the people to have a good time, a great time, we wanted nothing but praise and obviously wanted daps and hugs not dirty looks and threats. People really quickly forget they are your friends or do not consider how much time and man power and effort goes into putting on these events. Do I expect them to?!?! ehhh?!?! prolly not! It just sucks ya know because at the end of the day we look like the bad guys and thats never what the Alphas wanna portray. I mean the chapter will move forward and people will take finals and they will remember the event but the 350 plus people or so that got BEVERAGES and still had a blast will still attend and things will be improved for the 4th year. And as long as the bus situation is good and we can make sure the location is secluded enough for extra folk like the police to not get in then we are good! Until then, I cant walk in shame forever and hopefully the campus does not harass the brothers and bring up the event on every fail occasion (as if we wanna remember it either). Do I want a pity party nah im good of that life...Hence why I am writing to myself and not telling the world come check out the blogspot. And if you dont come to another Alpha event or Alpha party or Ape Escape its all good ya know you gotta do what you gotta do lol! but it wasnt a complete bust but like I said u will always remember the worst moments before the best....

And it sucks being the event throwers and you gotta deal with people whispering behind your back and looking at u all crazy and smiling in your face when they dont really wanna deal with you and I could go into mr anti social mode and just leave everyone alone and just be like hey if you are gonna act like that then why talk to you ya know....but I wont, wont by n e means...but it was a crazy night and I mean it happens to us all and I am guilty at sometimes for the madness...no ones perfect...

Yea, but for those who came out of course its appreciated and for those who got wasted and had the time of their lives double kudos to you, to those who were left with a bad taste in their mouths trust that I as well as my brothers only wanted the best for yall, ya know. Im sure people still got laid and other still will be back next year. Things go wrong ya know! Ape Escape has improved and nothing is as bad as that first year! lol! but yea...this is another blogspot for me and I wont try to throw it on anyone to read or anything like that if they do they do and if they dont they dont...this was more so for myself...my feelings...my thoughts...it sucks...Like I said you always want the best for your campus ya know. But im gonna digress for now...till next time blog thanks for the being the only person that just listens to me...other than God of course lol! Glad everyone is safe that was our biggest worry! Phew!

I may need to do some modifying later but the sun is coming up! so im out! Actually its up and the time is 6:52 am!

now 3:50 in the afternoon I think I am done updating lol!

Captains Log: Lady Nine (Revisted and Revised)

I wrote this a few months back but for some reason I came to read it again...There were a few errors here and there and I hope I found them all but if I did not you should still not hold a #2 pencil to my neck and try to forgive me...

So as I listen to Alicia Keys "feelin you, feelin me" I think to myself what we had??! If we really had something?!?!

So this does not just go out to you Miss 11 minus 2 this goes out to all the women who know when they have a good thing and feel like no remorse when that good thing may be lost. Excuse the vague tangent but its much needed.

Why the hell do you think your actions are whats up? Now, im not mad at you and no my feelings have not changed for how much I miss you and the fact that my heart would melt in your presence but you just pulled a stunt shawty. You really just STOPPED talking to me...You think your occasional text messages saying how you miss the NINE is gonna really be a soothing one for my heart that you put your 8 inch wide STEAK (the thing used to kill a vampire, you kno what I mean) through. Like, no remorse at all...or at least you have earned your EMMY for posing as the broken heart woman who really acts as if she has no HEART...And by no means is my goal to bash you NINE I just dont understand what I did wrong...cause this just has to be my fault. You ever cared about someone so much that you just would rather blame it all on yourself than the person....

But yea, she told me that you know when I get this job I am really not gonna have time for ANYthing...I knew anything meant boyfriend. And I told her and assured her that although I care for you a great deal I do not want to be your man. I just want you to know that you have someone that is willing to be there for you when you need and for you to have that shoulder to lean on when things got rough. If I became your man eventually then great, but if not, then life goes on. But, at least we made an effort to still not shut the doorway to your heart and add the latest state of the art technology to make sure not a single soul opens it up again! Why?!!?!?

Did my sweet sentiments in the Pickle shaped card...the candy...and the two baby penguins that we so eloquently named our children mean NOTHING? To Isis and Zion you guys are missed. I will never forget you young ones and hope mother is only taken care of you.

Tangent running, excuse me...How did I let you give me those excuses and still let myself get beat. She told me though right?!? I should have listened right?!? What about my heart should I have followed that?!? I think about you at least twice a day and I think about your chocolate coated skin, your neo soul, powerful black woman tip! I didn't forget about the school you wanted to open up...Hope that goes well for ya! What about that magical weekend we had. We went to a mental disney resort a few hundred times that weekend. Space Mountain was where we were headed where we hoped to take dips in each others soft milk like substances. Me and her kissed and felt like we were trapped in a enchanted Magic Kingdom and by the end of the night all I could leave here was a few splash waterfalls. It was disney...we had an all expense past and you loved every minute of it. But it was more than that dear...you were more than just an expensive thrill...you were the innovator of innovation. The bullets that clenched the inside of the gun tightly waiting on the right moment to be pulled. The pressure could be felt before fully cocking back and letting the world have it and knowing what your beauty can truly do and how your soul is only the one part mystery to the concepts of "If looks could kill."

What did I do wrong?!? Did I not assure you that I was going to be there? I told you "pushing me away to focus on your job" can't be cool...but you did it anyways. You called it and I tried to fight the good fight and lost...Lady Nine we thrilled each other in all textures of life. But I still lost the good fight...To you my dear have a great night! But just know that my heart yearns on for you like a child needing his mother in the early stages of development, like a light bulb needs a lamp in order to brighten up the darkest of times, like a mechanic needs his wrench...but it didn't matter because any predicament you were in was guaranteed to be TURNED into a matter of nothingness because with them they gave you a check up that no mechanic shop could ever provide for such an automobile of your maintenance. And she was not a mercedes...she was a sexy honda...dependable and guaranteed to go a long time...ya know! N e who...To you I ask why?!? All I did was open my heart to you...thats all..that was all...now, I sit here alone...but, for some odd reason I will still be waiting...waiting to eat my words....waiting to retract this entire blog and act like it never happened...sigh...I digress...

Captaions Log: Oh Grow Up Already...

So I said this quote the other day via facebook and it went a little something like this "Just because your getting older, doesn't mean your growing up!"

Now before I begin this topic let me start with saying a few things....

1) This book title above just serves as a picture to emphasize the topic at hand but I have not read this book so do not ask me about the book in detail.

2) I am no way, in any shape or form saying that I am the most grown individual in the world

3) I am also not acting as if I have made no mistakes or done any young and childish things in more adult ages because I have! I mean hey, I am not perfect"

But see the first thing I have done that many of men/women will not do is "ADMIT" to such a thing! This quote has been on my mind for sometime because its still baffles me how at my 22 years of age people still act as if they need to be potty trained and given assistance to tie the little bunny loop in the their sneakers. Now, obviously none of these things will be literal but more metaphorical so please do not be asking "who still do not know about the bunny loop" lol!

So yea, like I was saying...Too many people that are adults just do not know how to act!! Why?!?! well, because we are never growing as we "think" we are. We think because we pay a few more bills, start to obtain legal rights to drink, get jobs, take care of ourselves and not depend on our mothers and fathers that we are "grown." Well, yes in some aspects in your life you are very much so an "adult" but do not get it twisted it does not speak for your mentality and the things you do if you get what I am saying. And mind you all of this is more relative to the male and female relationships...cause too many times do BOTH GENDERS act like they are completely illiterate while in relationships...

So whats going on or what am I getting at you say? Well, how many times do you reflect on your life? Not just for a few seconds or minutes...I mean actually sit down and reflect and try to understand why you did the things you did then and how not to do it now. After you get out of a relationship that went terribly wrong do you just brush yourself off and say on to the next one, do you say "ahh well, their lost" or do you sit down and say "man, heres where I went wrong and these are things I wanna improve on before getting into another relationship." Some people would say "Go read the bible, it has all the answers." While I do agree it is not the first thing you will grab (DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ARE) when you are faced in situations like this.

"So wait back track just a sec nemo...I dont get what you are saying about people acting young in a relationship" Well, think about when you get with someone what are you basing your relationships off of "mom, dad, homeboys, cousins, tv, newspaper, the world around you?!?!" these are basically all of the things we use plus our own two cents to help us get through relationships. Do men/women just dont know what the freak common sense is? Do they act childish and not want to listen when you talk with them? Do they want to be able to do their own thing and get to you when they feel like it? Hmmm sounds like a child who wants their cake and wants to be able to eat it to...dont ya think?

So what are you doing to grow as a man or grow as a woman to better yourself in your relationship?

1) Take time to reflect on what you have been through and all the pros and cons on YOUR BEHALF. There is no way that you were ABSOLUTELY PERFECT

2) Ask yourself what you want Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually and all the other words ending with "ally" and yes I stress Physical because you have to be somewhat attracted to the person to even want to find out how great their personality is and all that other stuff

3) Know what you want to do with your life...Goals, Achievements, where you see yourself in a month, a year, etc. Now, you may be saying dang...I really do not know what I want to do...well, that may be a sign of you needing to figure some more things out about you before you acquire a new person in your life and then things have to all of a sudden change because you did not tell them about these things in the beginning

4) Be open to change! Be open to listen! That goes for men and women...Women will complain about how they are never listened to but sometimes are doing to much talking and the men will going around lugging that big chunk of pride around on their backs and feel as if they do not need to talk about nothing....FALSE!

5) and I add a fifth rule because five just seems like a golden number...lol! but, another thought check your maturity level before you get into something. Are you at a point in your life where you can say hey "I want to be with one and only one" or are you at the point where "you just wanna have fun" and honestly and truly "how long do you wanna have fun?" You say its only for college and then you end up graduating and never GROWING and then by the age of 30 or 35 you want to come to your senses.

So nemo, do you do any of the things you practice?

Yea, I do and I have...have I always? Probably not! Have I acted like a git when in relationships...uh yes! Do I get jealous and upset because of my own insecurities and because I know im up to something...uh yes! But, the first part that I am doing that I am welcoming you to do is "admit" (and not necessarily to everyone) your mistakes and now make steps to improve from here out! And does this mean cut someone who is not necessarily on your "GROWN" level...nah, it may mean you may have to assist some what and do your best to work TOGETHER in effort to have a health relationship but You cant "baby" either gender forever and at some point and time you gotta piece out and say "hey, I really did try" and not be so quick to POINT the finger at who was at fault in this relationship....but I think im done...well hold on...another question you are probably asking...

Sooooo nemo must be ready to settle down?

Nope! I am not ready at all...well, I do not wanna say at all I am working on being ready I suppose..But, do I want to work towards that goal...yes, thats not a problem at all. Thats why I am dating getting to know who people are, seeing if they fit me or the things I like, do they make me happy, can I stand them in many other environments other than the "passionate" one that many of us get stuck in and try to go into a relationship from the back door I would call it! Can I see longevity or at least can we work on longevity at least?

Understanding yourself...and even the most complicated things is what you should be doing and thats where you start your growth...WITH YOU! This also allows you to properly receive a good man or woman when they come your way and you do not have to say things like "she's to good for me, or he's way outta my league" all those other little things one says when the person they really doubt is themselves...

But, yea I hope this conveyed the idea I had...If I am wrong and this has some other underlying topic at hand then okay then fit it to that topic then but I think it touched what I needed it to touch. None the less these are things that are on my mind so I had to speak it and if you didnt like it well get your own blogspot and write about something you wanna read about lol! JK! but yea, thanks for the read...holla at ya boi!


FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND DROP YOUR TWO CENTS IF NEED BE!

ALSO, IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE OTHER CAPTAINS LOGS....YOU MIGHT WANNA START

Captains Log...

(this is from the heart, excuse grammatical errors as I just freestyled this entire thing)

Dear Heart of a Broken Woman,

I know things are extremely rough right now. A lot of things have been happening to you and there just isnt any answer for it all. You gave your all and it was totally given no regard what so ever. Now, your hurt. Your hurt because you probably saw all the signs from a mile away. Your hurt because you probably told yourself that THIS one, THIS one, was not like the others. Your probably wondering what is WRONG with Me, well, not ME, but YOU and because You put so much away just to make sure he was happy YOU are wondering how in the world could things end this way. You probably made a lot of changes that you NEVER, EVER, thought you were gonna make because you never thought there would be a guy even worthy enough of getting such love from a woman like yourself. So what are you gonna do now? Well, your probably going to hate and despise every man or in your thought process now...every BOY that comes in your face. Every guy that drops a smooth line is just another "DOG," Every guy that says he will bring you the WORLD gets laughed at because YOU heard that LAST TIME. And the time before that, and the time before, and the time before and the time before that.

So what do you do you may ask? Well, that is a great question! And after you have smeared your make up into your pillow, swelled up your eyes, and burned a few belongings of your past I want you to sit down and read this next message. This dude has just lost one of the most priceless and hidden treasures that the world has never even knew existed. He lost a queen, a woman of pure royalty, a woman who in a few years will only be a mere myth or a story told in fables across tribal warriors and villages near and far. But now here is the second problem, there is a humble carpenter, extremely humble carpenter who will approach you in all the right ways. He will make your heart glisten like the moon, shining and being reflected off the ocean shore. But what will happen to this humble carpenter. Well everything that he is trying to build will be broken down into nothing! Why? well, because you have lost all faith in anything of the male species. The worth of all men have dropped in the black market of your four chambers. Even though he is doing it all there still wont be a single thing that he can do to make you feel like he is of great caliber to be taken into your fortress of solitude.

So in lamen terms he's up shits creek with a ply of that brown rough toilet paper...you know that rough shit that really is a cheap replica of cardboard and which pretty much means you have no chance what so ever. But its okay, I mean you were hurt and no one, and I mean, well YOU mean, well, you get it...NO autotune cant ever understand what kind of T-PAIN you just experienced. Well, sorry to break the news to you...because he just DID...As he poured his heart out to you into a cup that runneth over, you simply let it all run out. And when it all falls down, I always knew that one day that they, well, not they, but you, yea you would try to bring him down, because you were too paranoid that everyone was just trying to take you through the wire all over again. So you will doubt him and you will tell him he is just like the rest of them, and how he's only after one goal just like the OTHERS and all this other Jazz so he will get to the point where he can not take it anymore and go elsewhere with half the motivation to give his all to a woman because the woman he tried to give it all to royal flushed it all down the drain of anger, tears, sorrow, and pain.

Now what? London bridge has fallen down my fair lady and you have decided to not pick up and rebuild but to allow yourself to be completely demolished by your last who was clearly a wrecking ball in so many facets of your life. You will feel sorrier for yourself than the children in those commercials for starving kids in the third world countries. I sigh, because it did not have to be this way. I pray to the man up above to just understand what this woman has gone through and that you bless her heart and soul and place a still shoreline of tranquil and serene waves to her tsunami of a heart. Do this for me, well not for me, but for her, the woman that never knew how much she was cared for...The END...unfortunately...

Sincerely,

The Humble, Extremely humble Carpenter...

Captains Log...Phirst Pham

So I wil have to say that with my time in being an Alpha I would truly have to say besides the brotherhood I love so much I also love the women of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. Now, where did this all come from you may ask....well let me give you the history because I didn't always like these women lol...

Flashback

When I came to preview a few of my staffers happen to be AKA's at the time I did not know of any greek life and obviously on preview no one is just openly wearing there line shirts and things of that nature. So, moving on and making a long story short...I asked a question to the staffers which was a little mix of everyone in the NPHC "Do yall be gettin down outside of the Preview Shirts" it was a real talk session and they said ask anything so thats what I asked. Well, these two women (Lisa & Rolanda) were soooo rude (this was back in 05 FYI). And so I said to myself I hope I never run into these two prissy chicks again.

So now its my first few days on UF campus and I am at this infamous "set" where its thicker than a snicker in this piece and I hear a wretched screech in my ear! I turned around and it was the AKA's doing there call and low and behold guess who was leading it...you guessed it the two prissy chicks...so yea I disliked these women for a good minute. (Do not hate em anymore but thats where I segway into it).

Fast Forward

Probate...Masks comes off...AHhhh Ape #2 and I got Alpha in my SOUULLLLL!!!!! Now, Alex, Nemo is an Alpha and boy am I feeling terrific, fresh new cut lol! All that!! And of course by now I friggin love the AKA's, freakin adooorree them! I still remember there greeting we did a rendition of Bow Wow's Shorty Like Mines and called it Soror Like Mines...

Soror Like Mines...
Only thing that keeps me UP, when Im feelin DOWN, I dont know about YOU, But I gotta keep mines around, I done looked, I done searched and its hard to find another soror like mine, baby YES Im, addicted to how she kicked it, love her in her pink and green, never knew it could be so wicked love it when she say skee-wee, I done searched around the world but its hard to find another soror like mine, soror like miiiiiiiinneee...."

After the show I must have got the greatest embrace from these sorors. And there after they use to literally take care of me. Soror Dubose, Adebanjo, Wade, Njoh, Davis and literally I looked up to these women like they were actually my big sisters. And I was a happy neo lovin the sorors...And I dont know what it was about these women but they made me feel like I was in a real family. Like obviously we were not blood but they never made me feel like it wasnt anything short of a family. Like, these women and especially Soror Davis is the reason why I love AKA's near/far/left or right or just love them the way I do. Its crazy though you know...I see myself as that old school bruh lookin out for some K's...I guess I am a sucker for the Lyle Love.

I even had a Skee-Phi shirt that I got made for my first FISS after I became greek!


It was just something about these women...And I went from total hater to like the biggest and hardest Phirst Pham repper in my life!! Like, there was not anything that could tell me otherwise. The family feeling was beyond amazing and I definitely appreciate old school Iota Lambda for instilling this love and passion I have for the sorors. Even with the new members from the Secrets to the Kofa's they prolly dont understand how much love is truly there. I feel like they all think I am that crazy Alpha that just be spittin a lot of game...Besides the fact that I got some sexy sorors thats not even the focal point about why I feel the way I do. I just let them know how I feel ya know and as I look back, its all because of thier Pro's (I got Pro's....sorry random)...Its crazy as I reach three years in the game I can remember it all soooo vividly! Felt like it just happened yesterday!

Secretly, If I could end up marrying an AKA that would be great! But, I am not blocking love it does not come from that source. But, if I can marry one lets Phi-Skee it up!! lmao!! Alright im done...

And this is another blogspot post that really wont be getting to much air time if people see it they see it if people dont then they dont...Just me coming from the heart like I usually do! Ya dig!

Da kid Nemotoad is out!!

Captains Log...

I apologize if this may not sound like its have been properly reviewed and graded...Im just speaking from my heart....

So as I listen to Alicia Keys "feelin you, feelin me" I think to myself what we had??! If we really had something?!?!

So this does not just go out to you Miss 11 minus 2 this goes out to all the women who know when they have a good thing and feel like no remorse when that good thing may be lost. Excuse the vague tangent but its much needed.

Why the hell do you think your actions are whats up? Now, im not mad at you and no my feelings have not changed for how much I miss you and the fact that my heart would melt in your presence but you just pulled a stunt shawty. You really just STOPPED talking to me...You think your occasional text messages saying how you miss the NINE is gonna really be a soothing one for my heart that you put your 8 inch wide STEAK (the thing used to kill a vampire, you kno what I mean) through. Like, no remorse at all...or at least you have earned your EMMY for posing as the broken heart woman who really acts as if she has no HEART...And by no means is my goal to bash you NINE I just dont understand what I did wrong...cause this just has to be my fault. You ever cared about someone so much that you just would rather blame it all on yourself than the person....

But yea, she told me that you know when I get this job I am really not gonna have time for ANYthing...I knew anything meant boyfriend. And I told her and assured her that although I care for you a great deal I do not want to be your man. I just want you to know that you have someone that is willing to be there for you when you need and for you to have that shoulder to lean on when things got rough. If I became your man eventually then great, but if not, then life goes on. But, at least we made an effort to still not shut the doorway to your heart and add the latest state of the art technology to make sure not a single soul opens it up again! Why?!!?!?

Did my sweet sentiments in the Pickle shaped card...the candy...and the two baby penguins that we so eloquently named our children. To Isis and Zion you guys are missed. I will never forget you young ones and hope mother is only taken care of you.

Tangent running, excuse me...How did I let you give me those excuses and still let myself get beat. She told me though right?!? I should have listened right?!? What about my heart should I have followed that?!? I think about you at least twice a day and I think about your chocolate coated skin, your neo soul, powerful black woman tip! I didn't forget about the school you wanted to open up...Hope that goes well for ya! What about that magical weekend we had. We went to disney resort a few hundred times that weekend. Space Mountain was where we were headed where we hoped to take dips in each others soft milk like substances. Me and her kissed and felt like we were trapped in a enchanted Magic Kingdom and by the end of the night all I could leave here was a few splash waterfalls. It was disney...we had an all expense past and you loved every minute of it. But it was more than that dear...you were more than just a expensive thrill...you were the innovator of innovation. The bullets that clenched the inside of the gun tightly waiting on the right moment to be pulled. The pressure could be felt before fulling cocking back and letting the world have it and knowing what your beauty can truly do and how your soul is only the one part mystery to the concepts of "If looks could kill."

What did I do wrong?!? Did I not assure you that I was going to be there? I told you "pushing me away to focus on your job" can't be cool...but you did it anyways. You called it and I tried to fight the good fight and lost...Lady Nine we thrilled each other in all textures of life. But I still lost the good fight...To you my dear have a great night! But just know that my heart years on for you like a child needing his mother in the early stages of development, like a light bulb needs a lamp in order to brighten up the darkest of times, like a mechanic needed his wrench...because any predicament you were in was guaranteed to be TURNED into a matter of nothingness because with them they gave you a check up that no mechanic shop could ever provide for such an automobile of your maintenance. And she was not a mercedes...she was a sexy honda...dependable and guaranteed to go a long time...ya know! N e who...To you I ask why?!? All I did was open my heart to you...thats all..that was all...now, I sit here alone...but, for some odd reason I will still be waiting...waiting to eat my words....waiting to retract this entire blog and act like it never happened...sigh...I digress...

Captains Log...

Dear Blog,

I come to you again just dropping my thoughts about life and everything in it. Sometimes blog I just get that feeling that I am all alone despite what the friend count on facebook may be (2,880). Yeah, that is not necessarily true but there are somethings that I just feel empty about ya know. I really do wish I just had my mothers thoughts and wisdom on things but I have to figure out everything on my own. Yeah, its apart of life but I just rather not go through it ya know.

I battle with what I really want to do with my career. I love the world of health and I do see myself become a Physical Therapist and I do want to work for the cirque. Apart of me see's a career in the bright lights and being up there with most important of important people. I know one day I want to be able to provide for my family and just make sure they are straight.

Speaking of family, I will have to make this family with someone right? Well, not really but really. Who will she be? Which young lady will I sweep off there feet and treat them like the Deity they have always been. (Flashback) When I was in middle school I use to have poems about love and pain and finding love and experiencing pain and a young lady told me "the reason why you probably write about love so much is because of your mom." Those words could never have been any more true. Yeah, I do wish I had someone to love like I loved her. And yea sometimes my actions do not reflect my goals in finding this woman to love, hold, honor and cherish. But now-a-days women are looking for that "one thing" as well and trying to get out before the towers collapses on her heart. And as we all do we chase things that are pretty much out of our reach and we do not want to admit that it is and the person that is right in front of you gets overlooked. I mean personally, you dont have to settle...and I am not conceited so I have not and will not only pursue 8,9 and Dimes. While I may talk about em alot it does not mean thats the women I seek. Anywho, as that young lady said yes my heart is looking to love someone as I loved (and of course still love till this day) my mother.

Besides hoping misses right ends up getting washed up on my shore I also just can not help but to get this alone feeling sometime. I feel like no one really understands me. Everyone feels they know me but know nothing of me. Some people are still deciphering if Nemo is my real name. And some people I am happy I got to meet them and make there lives a little brighter with my alter ego. I feel like I am just walking and everything around me is a blur. They do not feel my pain that I feel that I have to mask with my humor ya know. Like, my dad is really just a waste of my life and I really just don't know sometimes how this will effect me in the future. I try to cherish my relationships with my friends because they have been somewhat of a family for me because I just do not know my immediate family. I kind of grew up as an Orphan as well. But, thats another short story that can be saved for another time.

Just other little things doubting that I will make it to the next step in my life. And what my future will hold for me. Not wanting to repeat my past but its so hard. Sometimes you just wanna let all the facial muscles go and cry and scream and kick and punch a few things. I just don't know about life sometimes ya know. But I do feel that everything just goes back to being loved or having someone love you. I feel like I will be forever empty until that day. And yeah you can love yourself bla bla bla but it is really not the same like having others notice you. Just getting them to notice you is the difficult. As I try this "dating" concept I am realizing that more and more women just have been so blinded by ONLY talking to "one guy" and this guy being a guy that they "actively" like or admire from a far that they do not even know how to open up there mind. But, I am sure others would say the same about me as well. But this isnt really your blog now is it! Ha!

All in all, finding yourself as a person, MAN, role model, friend, apart of student org or a lifetime one, etc. etc. is not easy. One may feel like there will be no answers at all. I still feel that way shoot. I am just going through it and hoping that things luck up for me. But ask yourself as you read this (or if you read this because you probably only look at the surface of my blog and never really look through my topics) do you really know the people around you? Do the people around you really know you as well? Do you know the person of this blog well or are you still on the he was my "oasis mentor" tip lol! If you care cool if you dont then cool as well. Everyone is not gonna even come here to waste there time to read all this. But to those who do you are appreciated. and I dont know if I captured everything I was feeling but I feel a little better than how I felt prior to writing this. So on that note...

Sincerely,

Fishman

PS: To the woman I am supposed to fall in love with...just know that I will cherish you with all my heart. I will carry you on my back if your feet get tired from all of the pressure that life puts on you. I will honor you and protect you to the best of my abilities because I am only 5'6. I will make you smile in the worst of times and I will make you cry with laughter in the best of times. You are my sunshine, rain, clouds, storms, stars, and everything that is remotely just hanging in the abyss of space that is what we called the sky. Why? Because regardless of how high those things may be you will always be flyer than that. All I ask is that you care for me and honor me as I honor you. Do not only give 50/50 give 100/100 so that we do not half such a beautiful relationship. You were my friend now and you will be a friend forever. My heart is now in your hands hold it to your own and watch they synchronize with one another. To the woman I am supposed to fall in love with just know I love you.

Captains Log...

So it has been a good while since I have sat down and have a good chat with u blogster. Thanks for being there for these thoughts that sometimes just can not be talked about with friends. One of those blog moments, ya know!

Any who...so nemo whats got you BENT up now? Whats going through the fishmans mind right now, at this very moment? Great Question...well, its the whole thing about finishing in fourth...uh....well...you know? Dont ya? Finishing in fourth place, which is the last place and the only place that I have seemed to acquire a spot for. Once again I really can not get every feeling onto this blogspot to match my very thought at hand. I wish there was a way to like place a type of sensor or gadget where your put your hands against the computer and you feel what someone is writing. Beat for beat! Its like the things I always want seem so hard or so far to come by! AND STOP TELLING ME I WILL BE OKAY!!! EFF ALL DAT SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA!!!! So if you are one of the few to read this please dont place that into the comments box...cause I might just send you a nasty email or bash your blog! JK, but, no on the real, dont say it...Moving on...

Ladies you know what you want, right? You know what you want to do with your life for the most part. I mean there (eyes getting heavy) are a few discrepencies but for the most part you got a grip on things. At least I know they would as oppose to men. Maybe? Well you know forget what you are looking for so I can be one of those INSTANT ATTRACTION type characters! I am friggin tired of having to jig-a-boo my way into someones heart. So without dancing, stepping, and rapping I am down about 80 levels in this video game of life and relationships. Sometimes you wanna be the one to get stopped and not your homeboy for the 1000th time this week while you sit back because he had the more eye catching aspects of life! (no homo)...(tall, red, braids, muscles, etc.) its the truth. Im use to the people I pursue giving me lame or sad excuses and pursuing the more "physically attractive" to only know deep down in there brains and souls that he will either give the lame excuse or he is probably not even feeling you for the moment or even remotely but only for enough time to get what he needs and then he goes OUTTIE!! Yea, thats what you want...? Eff that other dude who wants to provide, take care of you, treat you like a queen and what does that guy usually get MISERY, LIES, DECEIT, PAIN, and anything else that can ripped from his attributes of an underrated black brother.

I have dealt with the situation since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL (I KID YOU NOT). Remember the girl from the first captains log...did you read that one? Ah well! Prolly not...any who basically I liked her A-LOT...she was the first girl I kissed on the cheek and all that bla bla...this young lady definitely pursued the "taller and popular" dude as oppose to the person who knew her inside and out and understood her like none other. Yea, it was elementary but I had the heart of a Lover that was an adult almost. The kind of love like "I am going to make it back through war" type of woman. Being sheisted by all the more "cooler" individuals. Story of my life, decade, or eva eva!! Its just sad sometimes you know because girls look for they "want" as oppose to there "needs." Why wouldnt you want a man to put you on the most high and worthy of thrones and treat you like a deity? WHY HUH??? ANSWER ME?!?! You get what you ask for and you still turn things down...there is just no ending to the madness sometimes...when will you realize that your "wants" are only temporary, HUH?!?! When will you realize that...sigh...I dont know blog, like, it just does not get any clearer. Yea Yea things will come around, things will look up, times will change and things get better...yea yea, when all that starts happening then I will gladly say you kno what Mutherlovers "YALL WERE RIGHT!" But, until then...you guys keep all that uplifting talk on the hush hush.

No disrespect to the viewers but its just confusing. Nice Guys really do finish last man. I put that on EVERYTHING! Whats the purpose for us? your just gonna use us and continue to listen to talk about your horrible ex's, the kind of relationhship you want and all that other Jazz. My heart grows weary (hope I used that term correctly or spelled that word right) and I understand that patience is a virtue, but waiting just hurts you as well. I dont kno blog, I guess I digress...The sun is coming out...So many things that I just will never understand...sigh (and ad a few more sighs as well)

Captains Log...Bottled Thoughts...

I come to the blogspot once again hoping to find some sanity. Once again if you read this you are probably my more attentive viewers and I do appreciate you. If you never see this then you are probably someone who just comes whenever there is some cliche sex topic that you just cant seem to not talk about for the hundredth time. But, it is my fault because I do not advertise this stuff...im tryin to go public so I can get the private as the Fiasco would say...But, enough of the ranting...

Blog I come to you talk about the Nice Guys who finish last. Why I will still always be that guy who really wants to be a little bit taller when that song comes on. The guy that thinks that he is the only guy that gets self conscious or am I the only guy who blogs about it. I am that homeboy of all homeboys, the best friend to confide in with all my problems, the all around man of the year...but, not their man of the year...ya know...Searching for that right one (well really, not really) gets difficult when they are either in great relationships, bad relationships, and just dont want no relationship. Where am I going with this...I do not know exactly and I am still trying to gather the right words for my feelings at the current moment.

All my life I been that Jokester, that clown, the kid with all the funny comments ya know. This was the angle I had to take because I did not have those physical attributes that gets everyone going head over heels on first appearance. I have always feel like I have had to coon my way into a relationship (rapping, dancing, being super crunk...which are natural attributes or talents but still) and no one really just picks up on the ME, ya know...

and you can save the whole story about "looks dont matter" and the whole "you will find what is truly meant to fit your puzzle and your lifestyle just wait!!!" NO EFF ALL DAT SHIT!! I get friggin tired of the wait, that constant wonder of who will be in my life...that constant feeling of emptiness even when it seems like you have it all. Looks does friggin matter...you have to be physically attracted to someone to move any relationship further. Even if you have to force yourself to think that this person is attractive or even its something in particular (money, cars, clothes) that makes him more appealing to you. I get tired of all these women who cry about wanting the sweet caring and loving guy when there dating the inconsiderate, non-caring ass bastard. She goes in hoping to change him and enjoys the challenge and she sticks around until she cant take anymore and then leaves that relationship sour making it harder for the next man to get his foot in the entrance. Its so funny how when I put time and effort into something I never really get it and then when I do not care and come at em sideways everything works out so perfectly. When I could give a rats ass I can never shake em. But, when I wanna bring the world to there fingertips they have doubt, fear, and are not sure or are not ready. I understand, and dont expect you too...but damn!!! You just told me you wanted all that and now you switch up the beat on me and start rapping to a different instrumental.

I dont know what I want sometimes and other times I am a hundred percent certain. But, I think females are always at a roller coaster kind of vibe with there feelings and can never pin point when they wanna do a few loops or just take nose dives down 100 foot peaks. The nemo is stuff is great...but, I now trap myself in a bubble. The bubble of the preview staffer, mentor, and all that other official stuff and can not get looked at from the outside of that bubble. I do not regret anything I have done for my campus and the 1000's of students I have met or friends I have made through these programs but still ya know...and I am sorry for writing so much, but, this is the only person (blog) that listens. Mom, you never said it was going to be this hard to find a girl. You made it seem like since I had all these great qualities that It would be like bees to honey or moths being drawn in by a light. You can not play Mr. Nice Guy with the girls of today, they will think your a punk and clear it on you. They will try to take advantage if the coast is clear and leave you when they do not need you anymore. And no, I am not in a relationship at the current moment and I am not talking to or have been talking to anyone (just so no confusing minds think that I am currently going through something.) but I am just speaking from all the things I have seen happen around me and to me over the years.

So here I am once again: The Man, the freestyler, the favorite staffer, mentors, staffer and still you would think I had it all. Everything that glitters is not gold my friends. We easily forget that by just the look of an individual. The Nice Guy that is taking it slow and steady and is still finishing last in the race. Still losing to all of his taller, lighter, hair braided, fresh kickgame counterparts. Yea, yea, the people who want them are all after the wrong things!! That is not always true...they just like flashy, wish I could be flashy and shit!! Wish I could just come in the room and there is a whisper of who is that and women throwing themselves at me. I want to be able to not coon my way into someones heart for a change. And yes, you have to work on what you want in life I know. But, I know you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth and how I am using them. Yea, I understand there is more to this and there is more to that...but dammit...I aint tryin to hear that booty chatter. and yea, I am not trying to fall in love at this current second and time, but, when it does not seem to be expected for the near future it seems to just be like well, how long will this wait be. and I know I will get through it and as I said I am not looking back on the things I have done and the people I have touched and the laughs and entertainment I have brought to people and there lives...but a brother just gotta vent...and maybe listening to Aaliyah I care 4 you kind of pushes my mood into this somewhat sad state...but, so what!! (and this song actually has its very own story of its own. If I can remember it with all the details I will tell about it one day!).

I dont know man...I am still confused and torn, lost, and somewhat misguided. Life is winding down, the real world is coming like a thief in the night and the opportunities for love grow as slim as the crack underneath the door and the floor. and obviously (as soul flower says) I can not change the attributes that I have adopted since and early age but still, sometimes I wish I could have more of a big brothers ideals to just hit and quit as oppose to a mothers perspective who taught me to love and value a woman. To take care of her and make sure that she takes care of me as well. Damn, my mother once more. If I had that father figure to show me the ropes, maybe I would not be hear spilling out my heart to my blogspot with confused thoughts and still confused about what to do about the women in life. I hate em and love em ya know. Cant live with em and cant live without em. The sighs of a million sighs sounds throughout these 4 corners as I think of the women I pursued who have just been let downs or busts or just not the ones for me. I do not need anyone who makes my Jenga tower of life just topple over as oppose to helping me continue building myself up to be a remnant of the tower of babel. But, I digress...dont know what to say or do much anymore...ok I am not entirely done...continuing...

This is to the ones I pursue but they give me lame excuses as to why we could never be, to the girl who stopped talking to me after I lost my virginity to her, to the little white girl who I started crushing on but moved away, to the girl who flipped the script on me and only wanted that one night stand, to the independent woman who cant realize when she is missing out on a good thing, to the confused female who still lets her dude treat her like shit even though she had a King who was willing to treat her like a Queen, to the women with children that I have pursued that I felt I could fall in love with because maybe the Lord did not necessarily want me to fall in love with a woman the way I had planned, to the women that I have confused, or led a stray because I did not want to be heart breaker and tried to work things out regardless, to the those who overlook me and never take me serious because I can be a jokester, to the woman who is confused and wants to find herself before she gets into a relationship, to the chick that would not give me the time of day cause I was not sitting on big body rims and had a nextel, to the woman who works all day and night and have done her best to put me out of her mind, but still feels guilty, but not that guilty about the actions they have made. I have learned alot...everything happens for a reason. But, I can not wait for it all to just stop happening to me!

Fishman signing out!